Be U: It Had Me at 'Belonging'

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Monday, October 19, 2020

It Had Me at 'Belonging'

I was listening to a lecture on ‘Embodying Your Empathic Powers’ by Wendy DeRosa. I was half awake and half asleep. I woke up more fully just in time to feel myself 'just knowing' that what was going to be said would be about 'belonging'. It is the one subject that Wendy decided to focus on in this very moment. It could have been about almost anything and it was about 'belonging'. The word was in my mind a second before she stated it. That woke me up.

I often have struggled with this. Feeling different; feeling like I want to hide my true self for fear of ridicule. I often felt that I was not like many of my loved ones and close friends.

I felt more things. Or at least ‘things’ called for my attention and I needed a feeling of connecting to things people, animals. I was told I was too sensitive. I was told I needed 'thicker skin'. It felt like I was more touched by moments than others displayed. I often made a mountain out of a mole hill some would tell me. I got affected and responded to things and people easily and deeply. I felt my whole being wanting to be involved and needing to connect to every one that walked my path or even crossed my path.

I believed what I was being told so much that I created a dis-ease within myself (or one grew from within) that gave me actual thicker skin. I feel my nerve endings vibrating especially in my fingers and extremities.

But I'm getting off track.

As Wendy talked about belonging, I shivered and shook. I imagined myself not from my past but in the present. I accept myself for all of my differences. I believe in owning my differences and building on them, loving them, knowing I belong in this body doing what I am doing, loving how I love; myself and others. I open to all that I am, that is or feels different, just may be, my very own superpowers.

May you open to everything that you are, that is or feels different being your very own superpowers.

I love the word 'free'. I like the feeling of being free. To embrace and own all that I am. To think that who I am can be a benefit to those I love and in the way that could really matter. Alas, just breathing gives me the right to belong. I belong because I breathe. Let no one's judgment of me, or inability to hear me, or my own inability to show myself - stop me from being free.

May we all free ourselves by owning and belonging to ourselves; owning what we feel, what we want, what we need and how we mobilize and breathe the body and life within us.

Open our hearts [that belong to us and are us] and fly...

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!