Be U: Suffering

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Monday, May 11, 2020

Suffering

What if ‘suffering’ becomes a habit and doesn’t have to be so...

I have had ‘scleroderma’ for over 40 years. I have met suffering. My dad left before I became a
teenager; just disappeared. I have known loss.

There has been such debilitating pain that I have lived through. Knowing it can happen, I have made my fear of it strong. I was once told by a clinician that "having a dis-ease can be like living with a terrorist. One never knows when it will strike." This felt true to me.

I used to tell myself if my own dad doesn’t love me, how can anyone.

I have worked through much. My dad leaving enabled me the life I have lived. There was and is a lot of gloriousness in it. Super duper experiences, fabulous and deep times; and wonderful connections.

Having scleroderma has shown me what 'life is' from the depth of myself. What compassion and love can enable. What hurt and ugliness can disable.

What if knowing what it is like to struggle has become a habit that I just expect. What if I can struggle and I can live the best of myself, too. In fact, I know this to be true. I have had the most amazing trips of a lifetime and I have experienced stop me in my tracks excruciating pain.

May I open myself to my truth in each moment and bear witness and offer the truth of my full experience to each moment.

What is past, I have survived and thrived.

What is future will be.

What is now I can live fully in and not judge which could, possibly, be living the best of me.

What if it is all gifts to become, to grow, to love, to survive, to experience human life.

What if it is what it is. And, it ain’t what it ain’t. And I am ok. I am me. I am living.

Maybe I could just lighten up some. Push the fear of what isn’t even happening just now and bring forth and live my truest and deepest self. Would that be ‘unsuffering’. I think it just might.

I'm ‘game’ to see where this takes me.

May you listen to, hear and believe everything and anything that feels true to you as you take a step outside of yourself and experience life from both your inner and outer presence; your mind, heart and soul. It just may be You Being Your Best (in this way) that is the greatest present you could experience/live.

May you open up, dig deep, step outside and look with new and only loving eyes. For yourself. For others. For all.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!