Be U: Weird or Exciting or...

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Friday, June 8, 2018

Weird or Exciting or...

I have been having very interesting and unusual sleep patterns. They have been sporadic, deep, evasive and maybe a bit invasive as well.

Some interesting and/or weird; some bizzare and/or healing; some out there and/or productive...

Perhaps, there is no need to label things. Perhaps, things are just what they are; as they are and that is that.

I am not 100%, without a doubt, certain which 'label' is correct or if any label is necessary.

I have been telling myself that I am weird for too long; just maybe.

I sleep and, yet I'm awakened and aware of thoughts and requests from my own mind. I hear myself asking that this 'quiet time' be my 'healing time'. I have asked for my blood circulation to work wonderfully. I have thought that doing movement in my mind - like exercising in my mind - would possibly be productive. I have woken up to itching on my back neck 'knowing' that my body's blood circulation was reaching there fully for the first time since my teens.

Last night I woke to myself 'pulling the mask off of my face'. I imagined portions at a time. Horizontally and vertically. Absolutely taking the mask-like skin off of my face to show the real, true, authentic and 'best of me' face. I remember peeling it away knowing that I was pulling my mask off. I just knew then that it was really happening and such a gift and miracle was being given to myself.

I usually take my pulse when I awake. It usually takes me the first minute that I put the effort into counting my beats per minute. This morning it took me a whole 30 minutes to complete the counting and I didn't get bothered or frustrated as I couldn't seem to conclude the count and continued to start over and over and over again. I know the minutes were at :38 when I started and when I stopped the minutes read :12.

Time is evasive right now. Days are lost. Minutes are seconds. Hours are minutes; etc. etc. Time sure feels different.

May you let what is happening, happen for you. May you trust what is happening is what is best to happen. May you not judge. May you ask for what you want. May you believe that you can get what you have been working towards. May you believe that what you want is yours to have. May you believe that what you get is for your very best growth into your very best self as life is today.

If you think something is weird, but yet weird feels great, real and, possibly even, awesome, may you let weird happen.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!