Be U: Resist

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Friday, September 12, 2014

Resist

I feel a great resistance to come here and type. I'm not sure I want to know what is going on with me. I am fearful and excited.

How can it be so....

My inner self and my bicep/tricep portions of my arms are feeling like they want to move forward and I feel an uncontrollable pull back or push back as I do reach out.

It feels as though everything that is inside of me to do is ready to fly out and take charge. My body is resisting and fighting just this as my mind creates fear of moving into unknown territory. How exciting this can be.

Yes, I am creating/sending/living two very different messages and I'm at another standstill because of this.

It is time to start exercising more vigorously and regularly and, also, to just get in the car and see where it takes me. My soul wants this. My human self is saying 'heck no'.

The tension in the top of my arms is palpable and the excitement in my being is growing.

I don't know who/what will win out. I certainly hope the fun, joyful side of myself wins. The inner knowing side that wants to carry who/what I am to my fullest capacity of this lifetime.

Even now as I type, I feel my arms pulling back and something pushing outward. Yes, it feels crazy.

I'm sitting in my new home office at my desk with vibrant colors, streaming water, a beautiful window and soft orange artificial rose petals in an oversized brandy snifter. This is exciting. This is comfort. There is no clue for a regimented business plan or perusal.

I still have 'stuff' lying around yet and I just got color on my toes for the first time in a while and I'm ready to go down in the tackle to a win. (what?!)

It is rainy and stormy; dark and 'interesting' outside.

This push/pull I have going on does not bring me comfort.   It does bring me to a place I've never felt before. I will openly process this through believing my path is about to get laid out in front of me and I'm going to skip happily and with a great power forward.

I'm coming out.   I'm ready to 'play'. I'm ready to get unstuck again and be the best professional human soul I can be.

The only way to get there is to do it. Walk on.

I'm in a very weird and interesting place. It is unknown to me. It is not what or where or who I was and it is definitely who I'm supposed to be creating.

I trust the process and I enter the land of 'oz' and unknowingly and knowingly, I move forward in whatever capacity presents itself. I'm opened to be led and to lead right into the ocean of my new world.

This is a magical time. This is way out of center field. This is the time to let it be and embrace who I am so I can help and encourage others to do the same.

Are you ready?

May you embrace what is inside of you to do and may you act in whatever way (no matter how minute) to shine on, through, in and forward into you bestest and most creative and fulfilling path yet.

The universe says it is time.   All you have to do is believe. I believe in you. May you believe.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!