Be U: Defeat

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Monday, September 8, 2014

Defeat

I feel defeat just now. As I start my day, I am uncertain of how I want to be in it. I am unsure of how to get to where I want to be. I feel unproductive and .. I have no words; really...

I don't like being so down on my self, my life, my lack of umph or get up and go. I have developed ulcers. I cannot (just now) use my hands like I was able to. When I reach in the fridge or pull out the dishes or knock my fingers against something unexpectedly, I hurt. It is the feeling of going to the moon and back and not in too pleasant of a way.

I still sit in some disarray although the immensity of what has been accomplished in my new home is huge. And, when my mind is so low on myself, it is hard to see through the veil of blah. All I am allowing myself to see is what I believe I cannot accomplish. Today, it is not in me to even want to... and this feeling right here is where I connect to feeling defeated. It is not empowering and yet there is power in it.

I'm the person who wants to help others connect to their best self. How can I do this when I do not feel close to my own best self...

I would say breathe through, love your self, know you are worthy and that you have great worth and perhaps, your body, mind and spirit just needs a down day or time out. Perhaps, this can be a great thing. Perhaps, you don't have to dislike it so much and want to fight it with everything in you. Just as you are right here, right now today, you and your life matters. Love through and if you wait for just a bit loving your self and breathing love in and out... just maybe, you will connect to the you that you want to be connected to... Just, what if this small moment of the big picture that is your life is here for a real and a great reason and if you embrace it... WOWZA.

Embrace all of you.

May you connect to the you that you want to be connected to as you stay connected to the part of you that, perhaps, doesn't feel so good. Don't forget that we are all having a human experience and this experience encompasses so much more than we may ever know.

Trust the process. Trust your feelings. Trust that you are right where you need to be to engage and create in this world that is ever changing; growing and becoming. You are right where you are for a reason. See the love and light in the moment and be gentle and loving. Fight when you feel it, allow it when you don't and always come from truth, love and connection to what is truly going on within you that creates the outside of your self. Be your own best friend. Honor on.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!