Be U: While Pushing

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

While Pushing

While pushing through fear, I feel my body and mind wanting to shut down.   Is this a protective mechanism that is built in?

Adrenaline builds up, tension is created and shallow breathing occurs. I can force myself to take long deep breaths lovingly, I can mentally relax my body and I wait for the adrenaline build-up to break down.

I feel current and full right now. I find it hard to focus and I believe I am looking for answers that are just not here for me just now. (I'm thinking the words "current and full" have 'appeared here' to mean I am right where I am supposed to be.)

Our one horse has decided to just STOP in the middle of a jump while showing and is refusing to 'play' along smoothly. He doesn't want to cooperate and it was decided to let him rest for the remainder of the week instead of what we had planned.

So, we create with what is and allow, with love and support of self and others, life to play out as we proceed through and forward with what is and will be.

Fighting seems to take more energy for me. Of course, the fight is what some of us believe pushes us forward.  I know I've seen it work within myself.

I'm just wondering that... while I am so used to one way, if I let go of this way and open myself to new and different ways - well, this option is something I'm ready to try. Try a different route if the one I'm using again and again and again gives me the same result of poor health or a negative result.

If I've always worked at 100% and I sometimes allow myself to work at 70%  - this is worth a try to create a more peaceful self that I can share with others.

I am definitely learning that just because I've always done it 'this' way and it worked for me in the past; it does not mean that this is still the accurate way to do it in today's world. (same thing said in many different ways -- mmmm)

It's an evolving world and new ways may just be better. I say try it. I won't know unless I do.

So, as I walk through fear; as I walk with an open heart and open mind, I see and feel things I have never been in touch with before. I create anew. I create new paths. I create an 'evolved' me. I create.

May you watch and create an evolving YOU while you walk through fear and do 'it' better. A tall order and so possible.

As I let go and create anew; there certainly is a 'fight' within me. I feel the waves of myself crashing on the shore and I am finding a new ebb and flow to who I am and what I'm about. Currently, I am feeling like a 'lulu' and I'm not making much sense to myself; and, perhaps, you. I am trying to trust that this is part of the process and it is not that I am going bonkers. Letting go and holding on and creating anew are all very different strengths and, for me, it is the complete process that is taking place within. It's very exciting, very scary, very unsettling and I am most hopeful.

So, if I can allow my 'crazy' lovingly and openly, my hope is that you can too. Especially, if it helps you to be ALL IN this world of ours as the total YOU. May you bring yourself, all of you, with you as much and as truly you as possible. I believe that this is what's going to create the best world possible for all of us to live out today and all our future days. BEING AND SHOWING WHO WE TRULY ARE -- ALL OUR STRENGTHS AND ALL OUR WEAKNESSES when it is warranted.

We only get one shot at living this life.

""You know," he told her, "there are better things to aspire to than being normal." "Like what?" Bending his head, he murmured near her ear. "Being exactly who you are."" From Lisa Kleypas' book "Crystal Cover (Friday Harbor).

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!