Be U: OH MY Oh My oh my

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Monday, February 25, 2013

OH MY Oh My oh my

Oh my. Did I have great opportunity for 'evolution' and 'transformation' (ha) this morning. TRIPLE QUADRUPLE YIKES is how it 'felt'. 'Exciting' is what my brain knew.

I woke up thinking I didn't want to do the responsible things I knew I needed to do. I woke up with resistance to the day - to life. I walked the dogs with one throwing up and slobbering on herself and I had no tissues to help her out. Her stomach was upset.   She threw up; I carried her; I put her down; and she went on her merry way. It was just wonderful to watch her let the moment pass and her spirit shine on.

I get home and I make a phone call to start the process of having one of my daughters horses declared ad determined as to what to do with it because it can "no longer show". THIS IS A BIG ONE FOR ME. When I had to put my Durby dog down, it was HUGE. And, having to deal with a 'closing' situation; a dream not coming true for my beloved daughter (it was her intention to start showing him again very soon); well, this is SO MUCH HARDER for me. When it is my pain it's one thing; when it's my daughter's pain - it is so much worse - I heard myself thinking and saying.

At this moment, my longest, dearest friend called me on the telephone. I proceeded to tell her how I was freaking out, shaking, and having the hardest time with the phone call I just made to see what's best to do for this big and beautiful creature. It is no longer necessary for him to be at the show grounds. He is no longer a current show horse and this sad and hard truth came so suddenly. He will always be a champion show horse in our eyes.

Anyway, I was letting my friend know how my emotions were extremely lit up and, yet, I got the job done. I was hurting badly AND I was in the zone discussing the particulars. I was going in and out of feeling my vast emotions And stating the facts. I heard my weak voice turn strong and then weak and then strong as we were discussing my immediate situation. She helped me talk through it all and we came up with that I was feeling this way because of who I am, where I've been, what I've experienced. Others would handle it differently.  The factor that I was hurting terribly and it wasn't helping me or the situation or my daughter, is something we went further into.

I realized then that I was able to use my heart And my brain well. However, I was using them independently from one another. When I first went to a psychologist, she had me draw a picture of myself.  My neck and head were not attached to my body in this picture (hence, brain and heart were separated). This thought came up for me. I realized that this morning I have an opportunity to learn and allow myself to shine fully. It's time for me to have my brain and my heart work in unison to live; to participate in every minute of every day at will. My unconscious habit of only feeling is no longer the habit that I want to use as my go-to habit. I want to create a new habit of taking on any situation with my heart and my mind together. In other words, I want to be what the common folk would call an 'ADULT'. Mmmmm

So, I sit. I'm back to the SIT. I honor the SIT. This, too, is a choice. My health is what has brought me here. My openness is what has prevailed. My tenacity is what gives me strength and my endurance and faith is what's driven me in this direction. So, I sit with it.

What's a woman to do. What's a man to do. What's a child to do.

May you be sure that your brain and your heart are introduced to each other and working together as a team if this is what feels right to you.

To me, this is living FULLY OPEN, READY and WITH EVERYTHING I AM in total beingness in each and every moment.

This is being me.

So, now I am choosing to have my brain meet my heart and my heart meet my brain and allow them to unify and work together with the rest of this body that I inhabit. Get it... In Habit (I'm really crazy or really brilliant how I get to these things. lol)   I'd like to believe brilliant and it's probably both. But, crazy in the sense of allowing what is inside of me no matter how different, strange or unknown it is and learning/growing from same.

This 'work' is exhausting, exhilarating and a must for me. I've come this far, I will not stop now.

A restaurant in Miami, Florida, USA

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!