Be U: Not Present but Here

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Wednesday, August 12, 2020

Not Present but Here

I come here not wanting to. Yikes.

I have a resistance to showing up here on my blog. My blog where I want and aim to be open, vulnerable, true, hopeful, helpful and whatever else may be positive for each of us human doings and beings.

It is always my desire to pick someone up, share some fun, truth and love and carry on living my most innate truthful journey.

I feel a hostility within myself towards the truth(s) that are showing up all around me, through me and in me.

Ouch.

Not a fun place to experience life from. And, it is my truth, my love and my will to carry on that fights and has anger bursting forth, from and through me.

I take a deep breath. I consciously sit feeling the chair underneath me supporting me and the floor underneath my feet my foundation. Staring out at the blue purplish sky with white spots of fluffy clouds, I feel there is so much more than me. So much more than the experience of me. So much more than any one of us alone and even more than all of us together.

There is a force, a guide, a practice and multiple paths and scenarios that, as each one of us see, looks unique to each one of us. Is unique... Is born through and from the experience of each of us and so much more connected, powerful, empowering and encompassing that the human mind can ever witness.

Perhaps, the agitation that I feel within me is what is present to carry me forward and create anew; create better; meet me where I'm at to take me to where I'm going. So, as I don't really feel like being present to this feeling, I am here.

May you let whatever you are feeling present itself to you from your most loving manner, way and possibilities that are awaiting your acceptance of where you are here, now, and present. The truth of you in this moment now.

Just what if we are all where we are supposed to be and feeling what we are supposed to be feeling.

This is what propels and carries us forward to the new, transformed, enlightened world and way(s).

I wish for you to allow yourself to let your 'here-ness', your truth, be so. Be present in your here and now just as you see, feel and experience the fullness of everything that is.

There is magic happening here even, or maybe especially, when there is a heaviness that we have never felt or experienced before in this exact way that we are experiencing 'life' now.

May you be extra kind and loving to yourself as you journey this journey that seems to be presenting itself to each and every one of us in the here; the now.

Needing to send out light and love through my irritability and exhaustion. My truth in this present moment, here and now.

I bow to the depth of everything that is.

The light is on the darkness and may we all bring our own love to it, through it, in it and beyond it.

And so it is. Amen.

Thank You.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!