Be U: Heavy

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Saturday, August 8, 2020

Heavy

It certainly can feel like very heavy and different times that we are living in and through just now. Moments of new. Moments of confusion. Moments of non-sense. Moments of different opinions. Moments of different ways.

These moments surely can feel different and louder than any we have ever experienced in this way before.

Moments. Breath. Breathe. Anew.

I am seeing beautiful light (awareness and appreciation) shining on things deeper and brighter than ever before. A lot of these things are every day things that we have known on an every day basis. Like a smile, a helping hand, a connection of warmth and support; an inner feeling of confidence and sureness. Just in accomplishing a job together. Knowing how to do the job like the 'back of your hand'. Like finding ourselves in the same place as another. Such as having the same goal of another.

Different ways and the appreciation of same is often deeper and louder in ways that were not as noticed or done on auto-pilot; automatically. The appreciation wasn't as noticeable, perhaps, because they were regular things that just worked in such a way that made our lives easier; better; more complete, more sure of how-to.

Now with these things that 'just were', I am realizing my great gratitude of, appreciation for and the comfort they provide(d) me. I find myself basking in the good and easy of the things that are still somewhat good and easy.

The heaviness of life has offered us an opportunity to do just this.

In the heaviness of a situation, there is always light. There is always love. There is always beauty.

May you be/offer the light, the love, the beauty. May you feel/see the light, the love, the beauty.

Amen. May it be so. So be it.

May you let your thoughts support and focus on the beautiful and the love.

May you do your best to not focus on the heavy.

When it is not possible because the heavy is, well, so heavy. May it be possible to choose to look for the beauty, the light, however small and subtle (if not the loud and deep), in the heaviness of each situation or each feeling that creates the feeling of discombobulated, sad, heartbroken, scared and/or uncertainty. If we look hard and deep enough, there is always, always, always something no matter how small, hidden or how deep we have to look. There is always something that helps to uplift, support and feel hopeful through.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!