Be U: Inside Out

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Friday, February 5, 2021

Inside Out

As far back as I can remember, [feels like when I started becoming aware of life outside of myself] I have had a desire to connect to it, know it and participate with as much of it as possible. I think this feeling and desire has stayed with me throughout most of my breaths throughout the days, years, decades of my life.

It is just recently that instead of being encouraged, (en)lightened, (em)powered, and excited by it, I am being drained, cranky, frustrated, afraid, unsure and punctured and (un)marveled by it. There is a new me stirring inside and I am being asked (forced) to find comfort in it and it feels of great importance to my own humanness; my own life and life in general. There is also a 'freeing' that seems to be taking place as to not hold too tight or think too seriously about the best and most just way for me to live in society.

I have always strived to live, ignite, bond and be true to just peace, just truth, just fairness, just cause, just everybody.

I have always wanted, tried, willed and entertained sharing on the outside what I know and who I am on the inside. To have the inside of me and the outside of me in as best of an alignment and cohesiveness with truth, dignity and wanting good for all and feeling like it is my 'purpose for being' to abide to just this.

May you live inside out. Let your powerful light shine. Be love. Know gentleness.

May you let what is inside of you freedom to JUST BE; preferably through your own love, truth, alignment with the divinity that made you real; that made you You. Just Be.

We are talking mind, body, soul stuff here. We are talking spiritual journey here. We are talking about oneness, truth, empowerment, alignment, blooming, life, love and living our divine self through our human form. We are going there. I just went there.

May you be exactly where you are and feel best to be. Live from and through your 'innerstanding' and outer being together as one firm entity. An entity of gentle strength, loving wisdom and combined past, present and future in the here and the now.

Dang, I find this way deep and am very surprised by where I find myself in this post. My old feelings of feeling crazy and/or too much have just surfaced.

Went there. Trust it.

Go there. Trust it.

We are turning inside out to create a new, a better, an accomplished and fulfilling, easy flowing You, Me, and Us. That's what it feels like and I'm sticking to it... Ha.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!