Be U: Woes

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Woes

With life; with being a human; with experiencing all life has to offer, there are woes. Woes of small proportions, woes of big proportions and woes that feel unpassable.

This huge change for me of living full time in Florida, selling and letting go of so much of what my life was, learning to live in new dynamics and circumstances after feeling so settled and safe is still creeping up on me from time to time and I'm feeling woeful just now.

I was on the telephone and all I was asked for was my zip code. For the life of me, I could not remember it. The recording kept repeating its question of my zip code and my mind could not find the numbers. I have had many zip codes in my life and while I've had this one before, it would not come to me. I was stuck on 08 which was Margate, NJ, USA's.

I had to hang up, look it up and call back.

I was amazed and astonished; frustrated and sad. I found myself very mad at myself for not easily knowing my own zip code.

I have been dealing with all new numbers, new banking statements, new insurance companies and new numbers (amounts) of bills each month. I guess I was on number overload and, in truth, didn't even want to be making this particular phone call.

US Airways credit card apparently has been changed to AAdvantage Aviator Red MasterCard and when I was sent an email offering me my statement for this card it was yet another new way of doing things. I didn't recognize the name and I was not told about the upcoming name change for same.

How many new ways of doing things do each of us see, confront and have to learn each day... ! A lot. Some of it is easy and some of it is challenging and a lot of it is good stuff. And, a lot of it makes my brain spin.

It is like the information doesn't know where to land; gather from or to and/or process. And, certainly not always easily.

Again, this is the human side of life and as much as I try, I cannot not be human.!

May you accept your woes; love yourself through and carry on as best you can. Trust the process of you and your life and know that you are a gentle powerful warrior.

We walk through change; new way of doing things; a new way of life, together. And, when we find ourselves alone... know that it will not last and everything is temporary. As I have encountered more and more 'things' in my life, I know that I can get through much; but, I also know that some days there can be much to get through.

And so it is. Living the human life. Carry on as you and I believe you are doing it in your best way. Amen.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!