Be U: Resisting Feelings

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Resisting Feelings

I come here resisting, once again, my feelings as I'm not comfortable or happy within my body.

I have been uncomfortable with tooth pain in at least four different areas of my mouth over the last several days. Lack of sleep and high quantity of drugs to get through have me irritable, hurting, shut down and unhappy.

I'm resisting what is in front of me (getting my mouth worked on) out of fear. The dentist has told me to wait until I am done antibiotics for a few days and I have an appointment for May 11. I'm not sure what tooth or mouth area he will work on first. I'm not sure it is something that he can 'fix'. All I can do is walk through the best I can and love through.

I'm tired of struggling; tired of hurting; tired of being afraid and just tired.   I currently feel best when I'm under the covers in my big, warm and comfy bed. Perhaps, I will end up there very soon as I hear this is what my mind and body are asking for.

I'm sweaty. I'm cool. I'm eating poorly. I'm in the cycle of discomfort; deeply.

I was cutting back on Xanax taking one less every other day and it seems that as I choose to cut back, (each time) something comes up that challenges me and I lose...   Or is it winning as at least I have an answer to change things up and get me through.

And, perhaps, changing things up - fighting what is - treating one's symptoms through burying them -- is this just prolonging what has to be experienced...

Until I face life/it/things face on.... perhaps, full positive change will not be complete.

I have come far. I have done much. I have changed my chemistry. I have changed my thinking. Apparently, I am not done yet because I know suffering today.

Or, is suffering still winning.  Does being human mean knowing suffering... Is medicine a gift from God...
                                [above is one of my greatest and recurring conundrum dance]

I think suffering is human and has to happen from time to time... or does it... And, I also think there is much unnecessary suffering that being human may create.

This is what this new shift - the changes - the lessons -- this what is that is brought to us -- is here to teach us.

ACCEPT and LIVE exactly what is in front of you - with love, compassion, trust and openness.

May we follow our truth into the next chapter of our lives and know that where we are today - we have the best shot of our best tomorrow by participating in and following our very own truth. Each situation that arises within us; before us; and around us is best lived from our truest of self. Just by being our true self wholly and with kindness, we live our best self. Just being you is the best way to travel through your life.

Time to get our truth on in the most extraordinary way --   The way that is inside of us.

May you live your inside voice on; outloud and with full ownership through the best part of yourself. You are extraordinary.

You know you are living your best self when you are standing and living from your truth in kindness, wonder and allowing-ness. When you know you are doing/being/acting from your best place within - you will be connected to the full miracle of you and you will respond accordingly.

I do not feel good. I still love on.   I know love within. I know love without. I embrace my discomfort knowing it is here to teach me a lesson and to guide me forward and onward in this human experience. It is not easy to embrace what hurts me. Yet, to fight it may be my least favorable answer as I find that it hasn't worked yet.

I will survive. I will thrive. I will be the best that God has made me. Because that is who I am. That is how I roll. This is how I know I live my most fulfilled self; the true me that I encounter and am.

I don't know what will come from this. I do know love feels better than any other choice I could conjure up. For me, love is the answer. It is what brings me my greatest joy within, without, around and in front of... Love is it for me. Anything different feels less inviting.

May you know what it is for you and may you allow it to grow in, around and through your entire entity.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!