Be U: Where I'm At

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Friday, April 3, 2015

Where I'm At

I am irritable as I come here. Thoughts overwhelm me and being in this moment - all I can feel is a 'need' to be in the next. I find it hard to stay here now; stay present with my thoughts as I've been gathering so much information in such large amounts and so quickly about who and what I am about.

There is much energy inside of me and this energy, as of now, does not have an outlet or a game plan. It is not running smoothly and it is knocking on a door within myself wanting to get out.

I cannot explain this. And, it is very much how I feel.

I don't feel in pain. I don't feel sad. I feel excited. And, I'm not sure why! And, perhaps, the 'why' doesn't matter.

I have also been gathering 'friends' on Facebook. I have fallen into the number currently mattering to me. (I am liking those "Likes".) Dang; I did not want it to. I've never cared before as my thought was 'who will come into my life and connect to me is exactly who is supposed to'.

I am seeing the addiction doctor and she has been brilliantly helpful with more awareness and connecting me to my 'allowance of self'.

As I accept what is now; As I bring my truth into each breath; As I realize what I feel is only that and I don't have to be so against it or with it - I can just 'Be' in it. I'm finding freedom and ease in this 'way of being'.

I am realizing that everyone in my life is supporting me and willing to grow/change/hear/respond and love me, along with their own self. This is a really beautiful thing.

I am 'me' (myself) with everyone. There is so much empowerment and love here. I am amazed. Gently amazed.

The weather is warming up. 86 deg F. The sun is bright and the sky is blue. There is so much natural beauty around me. As I walk out of my front door - it is present. I am so grateful for this peaceful and beautiful energy. There are fountains, flowers, palm trees and dark green grass. There are orchids, birds and beautiful stone. I am in heaven here.

I am still not where I am going. However, I know when I'm there that there will always be more. This is what our human life encompasses. Change.

I have options of trying different medicine. Viagra is even an option as it does get blood to the extremities. I await hoping I won't have to use it. My sores on my fingers are minimal. I am growing fingernails. They are currently 'weirdo' looking but I am growing them. I have more flexibility in my fingers and my body. Perhaps, as my thoughts get most flexible so does my body.

I feel all of me; internal through my feelings and external through my human flesh, organs and skin. My face and legs are somewhat numb yet; my ears still have tinnitus; my mouth is still dry And I feel whole. I like feeling whole.

So, as I do different; live different; be who I am and walk my talk - I am on my way. I am in a beautiful place of truth, peace, love and awe-ness. I like it here.

I still struggle. I still get lost. I still know pain. And, I'm okay with it. More than I ever was. I understand it is all who I am and who I am is beautiful.

I care about people and I care about our world. I honor all walks of life through as much love that is present inside of me and I have great hope that as more and more people come from their love, their beauty, their gentle strength and their truth, this is what our world will know. Love, beauty, gentle strength and truth.

We all want to be loved and feel worthy. We all want to be here for a reason and be heard and feel to matter.

You are and you do.

JUST 9BE U -- Just be your complete self as you are now and bring brilliant YOU into every breath you take. THIS is your reason for being. I know this to be true for me. I honor what is true for you. I hope what is true for you is loving, gentle, kind and fulfilling. God, Allah, Creator, Universe, etc. truly wants this for you. Truly has it available to you. Perhaps, all you have to do is choose it. Choose YOU.

Namaste'.

MAY YOU JUST BE ALL THAT YOU ARE WITH YOUR HEART AND SOUL LEADING THE WAY through your internal and external intelligence.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!