Be U: My Human Complexities

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

My Human Complexities

Ouch.....

Maybe we all have them.   Maybe we do not.   I know I have them. I am in the middle of a complex situation as I move into one home that is quite different than I am used to.

How blessed I was to have known such ease, beauty and love inside of a home we built from our hearts and our desires. Many people enjoyed this home with us. It was our 'Shambala". A place of peace and harmony for all living creatures. We had many parties; we had many visitors; we had some live-ins and we had healing, love, joy, and growth. We had koi fish swimming out back. We had ocean fish swimming inside. We had gold fish swimming downstairs along with a bird aviary consisting of six birds. We had 6 cats and we had four dogs. We had rabbits outback and hermit crabs inside.   We tried hamsters and ended up having 18 at one time of which we quickly gave to the local pet store. We had one small white mouse and little turtles. It surely was a haven for life. (They weren't all with us at one time!) We even had guinea hens until they decided to go for a stroll and find a different place. I often saw them walking across the street in the wooded area of the community. I was surrounded by beautiful things and everything that was there we chose to put there as we built this home from land. It was my beautiful Shambala.

I no longer have this home and am moving from the apartment into a new home. I heard myself saying if my last home was 'da bomb', I would call this home 'da crash'.  Yikes! Now, it isn't really a 'crash' home; however, it is quite different than my Shambala. Mostly everything I look at, I do not love. I'm challenged by it even. I am not surrounded by what I consider beauty. There are knocked out walls that, to me, look like concrete. There are stairs, which in Florida, is not my favorite as I like a one floor plan; maybe because of possible hurricanes; maybe because I just prefer one floor here. The ceilings are slanted and I feel the flow of energy stop and start; start and stop because many of these rooms are not clear cut four flat, smooth walls. They are odd shaped and laid out funky. It is different.   I'm sure many would say it is beautiful. I do find it comfortable and comforting.   It will be less to take care of. It has a back yard. IT'S IN FLORIDA IN THE COMMUNITY I LOVE.   I always knew I would end up in Florida. Not as I envisioned; however, I am here! Perhaps, because I did not acquire 'my house' that I 'chased' for several months and was certain it was mine by all the signs I was seeing and the layout, decorations, and colors in the house that felt perfect to me. Perhaps, this why I let myself feel like I am settling now. However, I still know blessings. I still know gratitude. 'My house' is still on the market on the online website showing that the reserve has been met; under contract, but put in your bid now... Oh my, oh my, oh my. lol Cannot make this stuff up and I know it wasn't supposed to be or it would've been.

I've heard it said... 'We plan; God laughs'.... Well, I believe in God and I believe that He has my back and the big picture of my life is just fine and even beautiful. I will accept the challenge and create the best life I know how to. I ask for help, guidance, ease, and love.

So, as I gather all my 'stuff' from up north; here at the apartment and in storage units, I have no idea how I will pull this all together and, yet, pull this altogether I will.

So the next two to three weeks, this is what I will be doing.   I won't be focusing on 'Just 9Be U' but I will be 'growing myself complete'.   I won't be thriving in business mode. I will be doing what I've been doing for years while raising my beautiful and precious daughter. I will be in house mode and creating a comfortable place to call home. I will then see if my feelings are the same as what I have learned this past year -- that home is inside of myself - or if home, once again, can be a structure that we live out from and settle into.

So, as I gather all that is me and stay open minded and open hearted,

I wish you the same.

Gather all of yourself, all of your human complexities -- your inner child, your adult self, all the challenges, all the victories and walk on with an open mind, open heart and love through every situation you find yourself in. Let the doors of your heart swing inward and out through and to all that is you and all that you encounter.

Namaste' Dear One. We all (mostly) do want the same thing; to be safe, to matter and to know love.

May you share, gently, your truth; your authentic and innate self. Perhaps, this is the most loving thing you can do for yourself, your loved ones and our world. It is my hope and I surely feel the need for this to be so.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!