Be U: Here I Go

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Here I Go

I'm between homes just now and am finding myself going back and forth from apartment to house and house to apartment.

My mind is getting what it wants and my ability to share has dissipated greatly. Where I am going is a pretty fabulous neighborhood to me. One I've lived in before; in fact, two homes I have had the pleasure of decorating and living in here.

This time, the home I am preparing will be my only home and a place where I choose to grow roots. I'm still not at the beach (like I was in my 20s), and I'm close again (6 miles).

I'm on a fabulous golf course (my husband golfs) and surrounded by beautiful fountains and nature. I truly feel 'home' here. There is a sense of peace and relaxation that comes over me and I feel my body sink deeper in the seat as I drive into the community. I feel blessed.  I feel peaceful. I know gratitude; very great gratitude.

It has been a 'road' to get here. And, here I am!

I'm outside of my body as I create this next chapter. I'm outside of my body as my mind tells me there are people starving and 'messed up' and I am truly knowing fulfillment. I am allowed. It is me. It is mine to own. I worked to get here. I know this. And, there is a small piece of me that feels unworthy or 'hurt' because not everyone lives like this. I also know not everyone wants to. I believe many may.

When the world was smaller, most of us stayed in our own 'corners' of the world and we knew what we knew about and around the life that we lived. We 'found' people of similar circumstances, beliefs, 'knowing'.

Our world is connected now (and this could also be labeled 'smaller') and we see way more than bits and pieces of other cultures, beliefs, hardships and beauty.

It just feels different this time to me.   I will move in. I will know grandness.   I will share grandness and I will stay open minded and open hearted. Along, with the openness, I allow in all kinds of possibilities and connections. There is much to be said for this and there is much to connect me to turmoil of others' lives.

I believe that life goes best and is made for us each to grow, learn and own exactly what is inside of us to create. I know that what is inside of ourselves to create has it's very own uniqueness, but also, it's ability to know and have many similarities also.

At the depth of us, we want to give and know love; and to matter.

I do believe that wherever we are; whatever we are doing - we have the ability within to give and know love and to matter.   All of us are important. All of us are a gift here for society to continue it's growth towards ease, truth, trust and togetherness.   We are all doing it in the best way we know how with who we are, what we know, where we've been and where we are going.

Do the best you. It is enough.  Perhaps, right now in this minute, we are all where we are supposed to be or we wouldn't be here. And, as we connect to self-love, we have the greatest of all love to share and propel us to our greatest abled life.

May you be, do, breathe, and live the best YOU available to yourself in this present moment.

Unknown

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!