Be U: Where I'm At

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Where I'm At

I have no clue where I am at!

I am hoping I am deep in the situation of "When it feels like life is falling apart, it may actually be falling into [a better] place."    I surely feel like my life is apart in many ways... slow, long, arduously so. How wonderful that I can have these lessons... I think!

I am in a contained apartment when I was once in an open 'castle'. I am looking for a new home in a land that I knew I wanted to live in since I was 19 years old. I am trading up cars and not sure which size is best (if we all 'should' have this problem, right). I am standing by as my daughter opens her wings to fly. I am allowing my husband to do his brilliantness as I engage in finding my truest of self. I still have much I have to sell and change up in my northern neck of the woods. I have much here that I want to settle into.

I am being pulled towards the gym at the location where I want to live. I am being pulled towards a yoga studio which is close by as well. I want a profession.  I want to support others to struggle less. I want to be independent again; while being married. Do I know how... Only time will tell.

So, while may avenues are wide open expansive endless roads just now, it can be very exciting.   I can also find myself feeling a 'freak out' coming on if I want to choose that as well. Which avenue(s) will I take...

My health is decent! I have no ulcerations on my fingers. My skin feels a bit more loose and it doesn't hurt when I hit something by accident with my hands. My hands and fingers feel stronger.   I'm getting leaner and getting to know my waist. It is becoming one with me instead of on the 'outs'. lol

I sit in the eye of the hurricane as best I can. I dance in the rain as best I can. I come from love and an open heart as best I can. I don't tell myself every day that I am crazy. It may be down to once a week just now! lol

My head and neck have much electricity and energy around them. The flow of same is not inside where I think I want it to be. And, I'm cackling on. I'm cackling randomly as I find my place. What is inside of me, I speak out. I'm feeling sorry to my husband and daughter and anyone else in my world. I must be a challenge to participate with.

I am not where I was by a long shot.   I am so close to where I am going.   I am where I am and I'm okay with it on a large scale.   On a small scale I want to run, pretend, hide, and freak out.   What I am doing is walking through with trust, love, openness and I am branching out further each day. My next chapter of my life is just around the corner. It is very exciting. It is tougher to be more 'mature' and 'aware' going forward. It was easier to be young and living from the seat of my pants so to speak. And, with this maturity, I look at the possible bigger picture while making decisions as I am still feeling my way. I go forward with the truth of today; what is in front of me and inside of me today. I don't live as I'm in the past. I don't consume my time with what is in front of me just now.  I am enough with what I am doing even if it is sitting on the couch and watching entertainment on TV.   I am enough with what I am if I'm standing in the wind.   I am enough if I'm eating what I want in the moment.   I am enough if I'm touching my toes. I am enough if I'm writing these words. I am; therefore, I am enough.

May you know that you are enough just as you live today. Whatever is in your life; whatever you are thinking, feeling, being and doing just now, You are enough. You can decide where you want to go from here. You can decide who you want to be from here. You can decide how you want to feel from here. You can decide who you want to do you with.   You are truly in charge of your own going forward.  We are truly in charge of our own present circumstance. Ouch and Ooooh

If it feels like someone else has brought us here -- it couldn't happen without our permission; whether out loud or by just living the way life has taken us. If you are kidnapped and held against your will; this is horribly different. However, your will to see everything just as you see it is totally in your control. Spooky and Magnificent.

There is ALWAYS a part inside of YOU that is ALIVE and wants to thrive, live, and DO YOU. May you choose this part as often as possible. From moment to moment, may you 'settle in' to where you choose to find yourself. Ugh, the reality of this...   Hard one to grasp. AND, hard one not to grasp...

May you GRASP YOU and live and LET U BE from moment to moment.   How many 'be's' can we have in a day.... Too many to count. plus then we wouldn't be letting it be... or would we? Yikes.

My wish is for you to bring YOU wherever you are... the truth of YOU is more magnificent that anything else in your life... just maybe.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!