Be U: Rain

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Saturday, November 9, 2013

Rain

Rain, Rein, Raine, Rane

It looks and feels like that it will be dark and cloudy with rain and wind for a few days.   It started yesterday and I awake to a morning of the same. It is lovely here because, while damp, it is 80. For me, this is lovely. There is not a chill in the air, but a breeze that flows through.

My husband is still here and he is not working today.

We are getting ready to go to the gym and my daughter has her girlfriend from Pennsylvania here.   All is happy here.

I'm excited to see what the day brings as I am open to the experiences and to creating along with them.

Why I put all the different 'rain' words at the top of this post, I have no clue. I feel hesitancy as I type. I have no clue as to where I'm going with this post.

I feel strange and insecure.

It is dark as I sit here. It is quiet except for the buzzing in my ears. I can hear the keys on the keyboard being depressed quickly and easily. I just heard the refrigerator click off. My one dog is on the couch scratching at the blanket that sits there to find her place. on the couch?!?

Today is a good day. We have never seen this one before. Maya Angelou has surely become a legend in her own way.   And, beauty and love is what she excudes out into the public. How lucky we are to have people like her in our world. Many youths are like this. Society is allowing and supporting our young'uns to go deep; live from deep within themselves without being called selfish. This is a beautiful thing. Us olders need to forget what 'society' has taught us on this subject and love within first; then we can be nothing but love without.

May you be open to love all that is within and that is YOU.  May you just breathe love as you let go, hold on, become aware, change, alter, evolve, and keep what is brightest and best for you to easily move in the glory of YOU. May you share this with our world.  I/we need you to.

                                                        Tribal Goddess/FB

*Today's word of the day on dictionary.com is En Bloc which means "as a whole"... While my rain words up top are not all real words, I am leaving them there, because I'm feeling that even though there are many things we cannot see and that are unknown to us... 'things' just may be possible and present to support us without us being able to scientifically support them...   Hmmm

Oh, what a weird mood I am in....

I'm going with it.   If I am learning anything - it is to 'go with what comes up for me'.. Go with. I am starting to hear myself say 'I know nothing'.... I go with it...

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!