Be U: Much

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Much

There is too much in my head at the moment to feel like I know how to put it down into words. I am awakening, always. And, with this awakening comes new insight into past, present and future.

While it, perhaps, is wonderful to have clearer and other views on situations, it is also difficult and uneasy to process from time to time.

How I did things in the past that have, perhaps, brought me 'lessons', now, in the present, is quite the uneasy, can't get out of, have to walk through processes that are currently presenting themselves.

I have learned that when building a home, to go with the reason to get or do something special, is not the best reasoning to think that this will increase the price of the house or make it more wonderful if I was to sell it.   I have learned to do things because I want to enjoy them and I find them wonderful.

I am learning that just because something is not discussed or inherently not thought about, does not make it any less true. I am learning to discuss and to not ignore the 'elephant in the room' is, perhaps, not a comfortable way to go. And, to live with same for years surely is a disservice to one's self. Because eventually these 'elephants' get louder and more prevalent until they are discussed and processed through our minds, bodies, and souls. They do not leave until they are 'seen' and formally dealt with. Perhaps, this is truly the most common denominator of our learning and purpose of life here on earth as humans.

Once I processed that my childhood family was not together as what I thought of as a 'normal' family; that my dad had ran for the hills; and that my mother was struggling and doing the very best she could... I ended up finding great love and appreciation for life. And, for years, I ignored the truth and it festered in self abusive ways of denial, numbing, hiding and even to the point of not reaching out as my whole self. Perhaps, even 'burying deeply' the part of my self that knew great pain because of my reaction to the hurt.  [I am happy that a 'normal family' is stated as a much broader possibility when it comes through love. There are many more acceptable 'normals' today.  Adaptation, whether it feels hard or easy is happening at a much quicker pace just now.]

I am now connected as one; from my early childhood til my middle life age. I am, perhaps, even connected to past lives and the spiritual realm of unseen connectedness. I feel much. And, for me, feeling much isn't always the easy road. However, the hiding/burying deeply of one's loving truth is certainly a less fulfilling life than being seen and feeling alive from within. And, yes, it still feels scary to me.   Yes, I still am not fully sharing with the world.   I am fully within and without myself; however, in a limited, sheltered world of typed words.

Oh, I don't want this to be my 'burden'. And, it is my truth. Perhaps, when I stop feeling it to be a burden, I can find it completely exciting, invigorating, alive and woo hoo! And, I am not quite 'there'. I am following the paths in front of me as best I can. I am open to walking down many new paths. I am here to live, love and learn.

OKAY... so.. 'much' did come up for me... I'm not sure I'm real happy with any of it (lol) and, yet, this is my truth.

Truth on.

May you discover more of YOU today as you are open, loving, kind, gentle and when angry or frustrated, you feel it and let it go in a most productive and nurturing, growing way.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!