Be U: Little Bear

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Monday, November 25, 2013

Little Bear

My Pekingese little dog is in the hospital. We took her in last night around 3 am. She had been vomiting all day and then developed diarrhea with blood. My poor little baby girl. Seeing her little face look up at me telling me she just wasn't feeling good was so difficult. Her big eyes with her little face and extra long body was not peppy and spry. She is a joyful thing. She is not the brightest as she runs and plows into whatever gets in her way... She is just the most 'full of joy' dog I've ever known.

They say she will be okay. I am told with hydration and antibiotics they can get her insides to calm down. Culprits could have been something she ate or a bad (very bad) reaction to the medicine (anti-inflammatory) that I gave her to help her walk better and feel less lethargic.

I just want her home with me; once the diarrhea and blood thing gets healed. That is not a fun thing to watch, experience, or clean up after.

I count down the hours until I can call again to see how she is doing.

I am so grateful I had people I could go to for help.

I hope she can bounce back to herself and continue sharing her joy with everyone who comes in contact with her. She is a great joy in my life for sure. I just do not want her to suffer.

Sometimes I think watching someone suffer is harder than being the one that suffers; although neither is preferred.

May you walk through with intent and engagement of any suffering that may be present in your life just now. Allow yourself to feel what it is all about for you and my hope is that it moves through as quickly, easily, and informative to your being in the most productive way possible. Grieving/sadness/discomfort are all okay if/as this is what you are feeling. I believe it's a must to feel it to free it. May you feel it and when you are ready and able, let it go. Love yourself (and others) through. Allow yourself and others to be and experience in the only way we each know how... today. Allow the experience to 'just be' and allow yourself to be enough just as you are.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!