Be U: Trying

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Trying

I tried to post to the subject of Rain. I didn't get very far. I felt fake and not in my true element. I didn't want to talk about the rain.

I am sitting in what feels like unwanted knowledge and unwanted situations with my health and the way I feel. I feel frustrated and low. I feel down on myself. I feel like Im not my 'cool' self and this is important to me! Ha.

I need to be cool. To me, this means that I need to feel in my element and alive and living the life that makes me happiest. I have to admit, my 'cool' has left the building. I have to admit that I don't have much trust or confidence in myself currently. I have to admit that I'm down on myself right now. I have to admit that I'm not sure fighting for life is what I want to do. It feels too hard. I know I am not getting my 'happy on'.

Yes, my hormones are all messed up.   Yes, I don't have too much strength in body, mind or spirit. Yes, I am laying very, very low.   AND, I am begging for help. I am open to receive or connect to what it is that I need to not feel the way I do. Am I defeated? I don't know.   I don't believe so.   Am I tired? Oh, so tired.

So, I sit on this rainy day as I am. I pull weeds on this rainy day as I am. I eat because ... well, out of habit. I hear others and have an open heart to help and share.

Oh, I'm not really enjoying this encounter with myself too much.

May you truly know who you are and what makes you happy and trust that where you are, is right where you are supposed to be. I do believe that where I am is exactly where I need to be. I trust and hope and am working towards being somewhere that feels brighter, happier. And, I'm ok with where I am at even if I'm not enjoying it. It feels right.

Yes, I'm crazier than ever.... or am I most sane?    Who knows.   THIS IS LIFE for me today.

May you trust that your life is - as is - for reasons bigger than we can see or know at times. However, we have the power to change it at anytime we choose. Baby steps are encouraged when nothing else seems possible.

I am so grateful that I have lived, thus far, a life full of wonder and awe, a life full of vitality. I have known many dreams come true. I have developed and am connected to many friendships of love and support. I have known greatest of loves. This is what sustains me now. To know greatness of life. That it truly is obtainable.

Without the lows, I would see the highs differently. Would I differentiate if I didn't have anything to differentiate with. Life is full of differentiations. (is this a word?) I accept them all to the best of my ability.

May you accept the differentiations in your life and cherish the highs and grow through the lows.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!