Be U: Eating Uh Oh

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Saturday, July 20, 2019

Eating Uh Oh

I want to be honest and share that I need to save me from myself today...

All I have been doing is eating. Eating. Eating. Eating.

I'm home alone. It's a hot summer day and I didn't decide to do anything else. It is my mind telling me I am hungry. It certainly is not my body. My body is registering 'full'.

I believe that what I eat matters. I believe the amount I eat matters. I believe how I feel about myself eating matters.

It has been shown that when eating something with the feeling of guilt digests differently than eating something with the feeling of enjoyment. It is always good to eat with awareness.

Oh, I am aware. And, Oh, I am choosing to not stop myself. I sure hope I do not do this tomorrow. I find myself uncomfortable and, in truth, lazy. Lazy in a way that I just don't want to force myself into doing what is 'right' for me today. I want to support myself in having an off day.

It is in too many 'off' days therein lies the problem. I think it is okay to have an off day. I'm uncertain if this 'off day' is fulfilling. I guess I will label it at a later time when it feels easier and I can be more true to myself. Ha. In truth, this most likely means that it is not fulfilling. That I have exceeded the amount that would have felt fulfilling. I can choose to still love myself. The question is Will I...

May you be aware of what you eat. May you be aware of how it makes you feel. May you be aware of the thoughts and feelings that are occurring while you are eating. May you be present to every taste, smell, bite, flavor, texture and choice.

Most of us know the best and the worst of what we eat. May you choose best more often than worst. May you choose you more often than ignoring yourself. May you choose you over food.

May you be mindful. May you stay in your comfort zone. May you experience the feeling of pride because you ate what you thoroughly enjoyed and feel comfortable and good during and after the choice.

May you eat like you love yourself and may it be so.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!