Be U: Experiment

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Monday, August 15, 2016

Experiment

Sometimes, all we can do is experiment.

Without experimenting, we do not know many outcomes. Without experiencing things our self, we do not know how one feels (or 100% how we would feel) regarding certain situations and/or circumstances.

I have now been advised to take a drug that can cause lactation, both, in men and in women.

We have come to this because when I was pregnant and until after I was done nursing, I had no signs of scleroderma; not even purple hands.

Another doctor and I have tried progesterone cream in the past to mimic pregnancy. I am learning better now that progesterone is mostly prevalent in pregnancy but prolactin is prevalent during pregnancy and nursing.

I have to try it. I have to know. Do I want to be lactating.. No. Do I want to be pain free and healthier.. yes. So, I will try this pill that may cause lactation. It reacts to increase our prolactin levels in our hypothalamus which is the part of the brain responsible for production of many hormones, temperature regulation and houses our pituitary gland which is known as the "master gland' which helps the system work well in unison (homeostasis). The hypothalamus creates homeostasis in our bodies which can help keep our immune system 'normal'. All very interesting 'stuff' to me.

So, with some 'weirdness' and even 'shame', I take this pill as another experiment in finding healing from dis-ease.

I know where the weirdness comes from but what about the shame...

I think it comes from not being perfect. To need something different, alternative, or not the normal. Just to need (for me) seems to bring the feeling of shame up.

I am sure this is from childhood. Things I told myself about my feelings of not getting my needs met. Things I told myself of being too needy. Things I told myself that I was wrong about how I felt. Things other people told me that I took as truth.

Hmm. Interesting indeed.

That is all 'bull'. I am allowed to get my needs met. It is my job to get my needs met. It is okay to need. Being in need is part of being human. Feeling is a part of being human. Feeling is a wonderful part of life. Could we imagine life without feelings in it. How dull it would be. Feelings just may be our human way of creating, following, allowing, growing and becoming a better version of our self. Feelings can fulfill us. Feelings can feel 'un-fun'. And, yet, these 'un-fun' feelings are what changes our path or let's us know that we can do different, better, more or even less than we are doing.

May you experiment with your feelings by allowing them and even befriending them. Your feelings are real for you. Your feelings are what makes you you. No one else feels exactly 100% all the time the way you feel. How unique we all are.

Feel away. Allow love to be present as much as possible. Allow openness to bring you forward through evolving, transforming, becoming and, yes, feeling all that is present to feel. It is time to feel the real you [all of who you are] and let your feelings guide you with your breath, your self, your life and your experiences.

May you feel everything that presents it self to you. Perhaps, through love, compassion, gentleness and truth.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!