Be U: Here I Go... Me Me Me

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Saturday, February 1, 2020

Here I Go... Me Me Me

I just heard myself asking myself if I am the only one that can no longer push one's self into doing things I don't want to do...

I see many people walking around tired, sick, struggling and forcing their bodies and spirits through things that their bodies and spirits are not enjoying. The struggle is real.

I find myself stagnate in what I would call living. I find myself stretching and moving and within a few minutes, my heart and my soul smiles.

I am not smiling often these days compared to my days of smiling often. Ha.

I hear people tell me about being dizzy; lightheaded. This can be about scattered thinking. I, too, find myself dizzy and lightheaded at times.

How [so] easy it is to have scattered thinking just now. We are in an upheaval of life as we once lived in. We are in a shift into life as it is going to be. Some of us are experiencing scattered thinking in between what was and what will be. Who we were and who we are going to be. What we did and what we are going to do.

Life is different. The world is a much smaller place. What is happening over there is known and felt over here and vice versa.

The younger ones do not know a life outside of this. They do not know a life where they can be private, free (unattached) and alone as us older ones were growing up. This can, perhaps, feel very lonely and challenging to not participate as this 'always on' seems to be the way of life just now for most.

There are apps for everything. How brilliant and how 'on'.

How wonderful to have any and all information at our fingertips. How scattered and overwhelming all this information can be.

I can easily say one minute I am looking up something or some type of information and the next I'm hostile with myself for not turning off. I like that I am not pushing myself to do everything that comes my way and I am mad at myself for not doing more. I pray for help and answers to put me easily where I am supposed to be and to give me peace always, if possible, with where I am.

I sit in the imbalance of balancing.

I open to trusting that where I am; who I am; what I am doing and who I am doing it with is exactly what is meant for me now. I take a deep breath into my belly and as I exhale, I invite my body to relax.

There is energy here. There is stagnant energy here and there is rampant energy here. There is energy that feels lovely. There is energy that feels strange.

We are all processing through a world that has never been before. As we bring our true self either by being, breathing, carrying, pushing, questioning, allowing through all or any of these things, we are living. We are doing the best we can with who we are and what we know.

It needs, perhaps, to be a time of Me Me Me. As we fall into the depth of ourselves and live the truth within us out loud, we are building/securing/creating the world that is meant to be.

May it be a beautiful world. May the beauty and love; distraught, magical and alive live through you and out into the world. May our beauty and love meet up, pick up, allow, grow and become a world that is full of beauty and love that has never been witnessed or experienced before.

YOU are here for this reason. To be the true You and Be U through the uniqueness that is you(rs).

You. You. You. May you invite your wholeness to thrive.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!