Be U: What Up

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Sunday, September 11, 2016

What Up

I sit here at my computer wondering what to write. Nothing is screaming within myself to share.

So, I start and I am open to seeing where I will end up.

It is Sunday evening; dusk. The sky is white-ish blue and I can see it behind the silhouette of a palm tree. It really is quite pretty. It feels serene. It looks pretty. I can see the palm swaying in the breeze. It is very much like a dance of serenity to me. I am enjoying it!

I have my 'Little Bear' at my back on my office chair. She has recently started requesting to lift her up so that she can sit with me here. I enjoy her warmth and it makes me feel good to know that she is content. She is my little black pekignese dog that had a serious back surgery 5 years ago; when she lost the use of her back legs. It was miraculous how the vet was able to help her. She was only 3 years old. She is now 8.

We are getting ready for a Monday morning; a start of a new week and we enjoy Sunday nights; usually quiet and subdued. Just being together with my husband and I, I feel blessed.

I hadn't slept much recently. Insomniac for sure. I think it is the new medicine. I finally switched it up in a way that I slept great last night and I will know if it is going to continuously work; depending on if I sleep tonight. I feel that I will.

I went with the process of not sleeping (sometimes falling asleep at 6:30 am) as best I could. I found myself calmly allowing trust in that this is exactly what my body, mind and being needed moving forward.

The other day, while out walking the dogs, I had an usual feeling. The usual feeling always consisted of me looking down at my hands and they would be purple. I had to look three back to back times, because this time, my hands were NOT purple, they were a beautiful pink color and I just couldn't believe with the way that I was feeling that my hands were not purple.

Change is definitely, 100%, happening with me. I defer to my right to hold judgment just yet. It is too new for my mind to speak up and out loud as to what I feel is going on. I am in constant awareness and my faith is strong.

I walk on.

May you never ever judge yourself harshly. Perhaps, you do not have to judge anything. Just maybe 'life' is what it is and love is more peaceful and works better without judgment. Definitely, harsh judgment can be very hurtful and unhelpful.

May you be kind, open, loving and, from time to time, serene. Perhaps, in serenity we 'hear' the loudest and connect to the most valuable help.

May you allow every thing about you to sit in serenity from time to time. If it feels right for you.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!