Be U: Still

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Friday, September 16, 2016

Still

I do love me... still.    Ha.

I'm going to the pain doctor today. The pain doctor is a person that is strapped by code, rules, heavy hands and eyes watching their every move. To administer narcotics, that help people with pain, is to administer legalities, rules, drug tests and asking their patients to sign a monthly form that they are not distributing the drugs and are using them as prescribed (here where I live).

It often feels like it is more about the medicine than the pain and definitely not the homeostatis of the patient - me.

This way of doing it just may be what heals me.. And, I kid not... well, maybe, a little bit, I kid.

I must bring my medicine with me. They count what is left. They give me urine tests and I sign the paper that I am getting this drug from nowhere else and I am not sharing or selling this drug. Man, if it doesn't play into my own guilt for needing pain medicine to live a somewhat comfortable life... On one side I am more comfortable because of the medicine. On the other side, I am so uncomfortable going to these monthly visits. Monthly as we can no longer get refills.

And, to top it off. Once I have the prescription in my hand, it is still a 'war'-like feeling that I take this prescription into the pharmacy; who they then have to figure out if and when it can be filled. Each month, almost, it has seemed, that there is a - what I call - a rule of the month.   I don't know what it is until I'm there. I never walk out with the prescription even if I only have one pill left as it is a day away of me needing the refill.

It is a hoot. But not a happy hoot. I let it be stressful most of the time. It is like a huge win when I get my prescribed and needed pain medicine until the next month and time comes up.

Today is this day. Oh boy.

I know it is my thoughts (the way I think) in regards to this day. I am doing my best to think the thoughts and feel the way that is most helpful to my situation. I am better than I was. I am not where I want to be.

I am grateful for all the years that it wasn't this difficult and I am believing it is like this way for a reason and as I carry myself through, I am open to bringing my best loving self with me.

May you be open to bringing your best loving self with you in whatever situation you enter and/or find yourself in.

In this, may we know fulfillment.   Truthspeak, love and openness; trusting one's self to know what one will do when faced with difficulty and or complications that arise.  Wrap yourself up in your truth; your trust; and your love. Amen.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!