Be U: When 'Down'... Love Yourself More

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Thursday, August 20, 2015

When 'Down'... Love Yourself More

Why is it sometimes when I am not feeling well and I am out and about and with people, that I pretend that I am fine... Why do I push through the pain and discomfort and carry on like I am 'normal'...

I have an ulcer on my thumb. It has been awhile since I've had one - probably close to a year and, man, do they hurt. I remember when the new doctor was so surprised that the past ulcers went away without medicine.   I was moving into this new house and it was summer and I used my hands a lot and it was somewhat stressful. I developed ulcers on two fingers. How blessed I am that they went away.

I have a new one for about two weeks now and OUCH, it is a nuisance, a bother and I am reminded of it every time I try to use my left thumb. It feels like I go to the moon and back.

I remember going to concerts, out to dinner, parties, the beach, work and pretending like I wasn't in pain. I chose to ignore it and take pain medicine... lots of pain medicine.

Hey, I made it to the concerts, the dinners, the parties, the beach and work. I was living, right... (Whose to say... I guess each of us can only make this call for our own self.)

I am now trying to love myself more and admit, allow and respect what my body is trying to tell me and listen to my own needs. I am not going to concerts and parties, I am loving myself more. This is what feels to be my best truth in this moment of my life.

I'm using the energy that I do have to be very aware, love and heal as I pay attention to what my body has been wanting me to know for years. I still am uncertain as to exactly what this pain is wanting me to know. I do know that I love the attention I give myself and I feel more fulfilled and loved then how I previously reacted and ignored the signals of pain from my body.

I hear myself telling myself that my body produces exactly as much collagen as it needs and no more or less. I hear myself saying that my blood circulates with the heartbeat of the universe; freely and fully. I feel myself sleeping and napping and it feels wonderful.   I feel myself in the house calm and allowing; not judging negatively or berating myself because I'm not at these dinners, concerts, etc. like the 'healthy' people are.

I honor my life as it is given to me; as it shows itself to me.   I flow with what is. I love myself more.

Yes, I have moments of feeling selfish, but that is my old self, my old records, my old habit of how I treated and talked to myself. Taking great care of one's self is not selfish. Taking care of one's self is essential.

Today is a new day.   I can love you while I love myself too.   I can honor me and honor your life. I can support me which enables myself to support others better. This is where I am now.

Am I 'down'...    I don't know.   I may be the most 'up' I have ever allowed myself to be. Being my whole true self with life processing freely and easily through me is what life is all about for me. Being who I am is the best honor I can bestow upon my Creator, myself and any person that I connect to.

My wish for you is to allow your life to process through you freely, easily, and truthfully. May you honor yourself in your greatest capacity which honors all of life then. May you support yourself, which, in turn, will support all of life.

Hurt people can hurt people.   People who love themselves, be themselves, speak themselves and share themselves through the greatest thing in life - love - perhaps, can only be love and share love...

Try it, you and our world just may like it... I will even go as far as to say love it...

Allowing your life to lovingly flow through you easily, freely and truly is nothing short of a miracle. Be miraculous. My wish for you.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!