Be U: Locked Down

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Locked Down

I have been feeling locked down by my physicality. It takes tremendous energy to move - to get myself out the door, so to speak.   I find myself settling into bed, into an outside chair, onto the couch. I feel heavy and weighed down.

I have gained 10 pounds in 2 months. This is what happens when one finds them self settling into chairs, etc and eating more than usual.   Wowza. It really does happen...

My body aches and I can feel my tight skin wanting life.   I've had mouth problems either with sinus or teeth (not sure which is the culprit) and my blood pressure has increased.   It went from a low 110/60 for most of my life to a higher 140/75 to an even higher 160/89.   I have blood pressure medicine standing by. A high borderline reading would be 140/80.

I tell myself I am supposed to be getting healthier, however, telling oneself this and not doing anything does not seem to be working!?!?!?!

So, what is a woman supposed to do when feeling locked down, heavy, dizzy and 'off'... Dance.

I've been dancing for only two days and only for 20 minutes each day. My blood pressure is lower 130/70 (this morning anyway).

I have been hearing myself say - no words.   There are no words to describe the fullness of what I am feeling and the unknown of what I am feeling. I cannot easily bring words to light.   I even spent yesterday in complete 'hermit-ism' as I did not want to talk to anyone. I wanted to honor what I was feeling - which I couldn't explain or share - and just be in it -- with no words and no judgment.

I will dance/move again today.   It is better health that is driving me now to move and to eat 'cleaner'. The fear of my heart being unhappy is pushing me to do better.

Today is today. This is truly the only moment we have.

Yes, our minds live in the past and the future more often then necessary, perhaps. I feel most at peace when I'm in the now experiencing what life is showing me. Even as I'm being shown heaviness, high blood pressure and dance; it is more fulfilling to be in this than it is to replay what was or to guess what will be.

Yesterday was yesterday.   And, I've had some great, magical and awesome yesterdays. I had many yesterdays that changed my life course forever.

Tomorrow is just that. It is not for us to experience yet. Yes, we can prepare, we can plan, we can try to orchestrate. Do you allow yourself to be and feel okay when these preparations and orchestrations do not play out exactly like you dream them to....   Just an interesting observation, perhaps...

So, as I am in the now; dealing with and feeling what life is offering me, I am open to receive splendor, wonder and connection to all that I am and all that I can be.

For I am not me in the yesteryear. I am not me in the coming years.   I am me, today.   And, I am in love with me today with all the challenges, imperfections and unknown.... this is me.   This is my life. And, I am okay with it because this is it for this moment.   Nothing more.   Nothing less.    I am me.

No one else can experience me like I do.

No one else can experience you like you do. You are this unique and this awesome.

May you live your life as only you can. May you be aware and feel it all. May you bring your truth to everything that is.. in your way, your light, your darkness and your being.

May you JUST BE YOU in this moment. Nothing more. Nothing less.

May you know fulfillment in this.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!