Be U: Be Here Now...

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Be Here Now...

I am struggling with my health. I would think by now I would've let the struggle go and allow what is. I was doing fairly well accepting more than not accepting.... until now.

I've gotten another ulcer on my finger and I feel beat and worn down. I have lost desire to do the few things I did enjoy and I feel myself isolating more and just breathing in and out.

I was already pretty isolated compared to what I have previously lived.   And, now, I feel the need to go inward even more and feel, be, respond and connect to the depth of my own self again and, perhaps, deeper.

It really is beautiful deep down from whence we come.   It really is a fortuitous well of knowledge and connection.

The spirit of the human body is so light and connected. It is my body that is heavy and holds on to the past and wonders about the future. The spirit just responds to the moment.

I have known beautiful, strong, enduring strength within this body.   I once said I could walk forever and ever but only run a few miles. There was time when I couldn't wait for another day so I could go back to the gym again tomorrow and work my body.

Now, my body screams for peace and loving movement.

I was moving it daily for four days and my ulcer got so painful, I have fear that the exercise just may have exasperated it. The extra power in my blood flow may allow me to feel the sore and it's cry for oxygen to heal more loudly.

I don't know.  No one can tell me. So, I breathe with what is and I love myself as much as possible and I await an answer as I walk the dogs, do my wash and eat for comfort. Not where I think I 'should' be. But, where I am.

Is it my mind that is pulling me down or is it the body pain... Which comes first... does it change... is it always the same...   is it both at the same time...

Doctors have no definite answer(s). People that love me hurt to see me struggle. I hurt knowing that my pain is messing with their lives.

I tell myself this is where I am supposed to be; for now.   There is still a lesson for me to learn.

I know I am okay even as I don't feel so. I know this is me living my life as it presents itself to me today.

For the past three days, I had no words for any social website. The words that came to me this morning upon awakening were this:

"BE" where you are at... Experience what is "HERE" in front of you... Participate in the wholeness of your "NOW".

And, just now, for us...

I'd like to add...

May you love yourself through. When you feel your mind wander away from the gift of the present may you repeat these three words [if you find peace in them]... Be Here Now. Be Here Now. Be Here Now. Be Here Now. I accept and bring my truth to what is...

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!