Be U: Where I'm At

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Monday, January 26, 2015

Where I'm At

I am alive. I am breathing. I am living changed life. I feel my body chemistry has even changed.   I bring me to every situation as much as I am able and I see great change in all of our world.

We are more open; we are more willing to share our truth. Ohhh, and much of this truth that many are now more willing to share is not pretty. It is hurtful and painful.

We have suffered in silence too long.

We will stop the suffering (please) as we speak it and learn ways to do better; as we support one another and hold hands and know that behind all of our 'masks' and 'beliefs' - we are all the same. We all come from a source of divine-ness of unseen and truly unknown-ness.   We will all go back to this source.

So, as I sit here trying to not go deep within because there is pain that I don't want to feel, let alone share, I take a deep breath and continue on.

My body has been screaming again. My hands swollen and purple. My face tight and uncomfortable. My mouth and teeth are also wanting more attention at the dentist that I wish to give it. The dentist says another root canal but only after I point out a soft pain to the touch high above my teeth.... almost in my sinus area. And, where once was a root canal on the other side, this same soft pain to the touch is present as well.

I found an addiction specialist after being told no by two other professionals that they are not interested in going 'here'. What is addiction... What is dependence.... What is the difference...   What am I?   This is of great interest to me.

With my family being all under one roof for the first time in about 17 years, well... new 'things' have come up.   We are learning to communicate, hear and support one another under this lifestyle [as we have to if we want to all be alive going forward]. Of course, I'm making fun of this and it is not easy and it is beautiful.   We are all trying our best and we are all doing good and we each have our moments of not succeeding coming from love.

We are getting new furniture, new lighting, new landscaping to make this house our home. I do not have the energy that I put into creating our Shambala up north. I'm uncertain if we will name this home as this is the first time I'm thinking about same.

We have been here 4 months and we just unpacked four more boxes that came from my husband's northern office. It has gotten depressing letting go of what we no longer need and, yet, at one time meant happiness, dreams and success to us. Letting it go by either trashing the item(s); giving them away or finding a new home for it here in this already set-up and full house.

I know that when I was living up north in a beautiful home, coming to Florida in the winter to a beautiful home.. I know I had told myself that I was set for life and I will never have to walk in the cold again and I don't have to worry about money or uncertainty that I will not be okay.

Well, from these thoughts to actually walking in the cold, living in an apartment, concerned about money, and fearful of what was to come and feeling unsafe... they were all very real for me. So, what I told myself and what was the truth were not one in the same. This; just this THOUGHT, is what made it harder for me to let go, to be where I was/am, and to starting over.

I want to be here. I know I belong here. I have grown from letting go to starting anew. Well, here I am and what the heck am I going to do with me now.....

I do believe that it will be me. I do believe that it will be good. I do believe it will happen when it is best for it to happen. I do believe my life plan is a great one and I only need to embrace today with where I am; who I am; what I feel and what feels best to do... and I win.   I have it going on.... lol and yet so true

May you believe you will be you, wholly. You're life will (continue to) be good.   Life will unfold itself to you just as it is best for you. May you embrace today with where you are, who you are, what you feel and what feels best to do... and win. My genuine wish for you.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!