Be U: Insecure Confusion

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Monday, January 12, 2015

Insecure Confusion

My day is experiencing [through myself and others] an uncertainty of 'ugly' and uncomfortable feelings. Ugh-ly. !

I hear people that are just irritable and antsy; angry and afraid; sad and uncertain. I feel much of this myself. I see turmoil in our world. I see hatred and ugliness happening. I see painful situations that are absurd and tragic to me. (I see beauty and awesomeness also. However, I feel the need to discuss the upheaval in our world just now.)

I feel discomfort and stale. I feel confusion and new situations/thoughts/ways/processes coming through me that are very different than my once formed habitual ways. Some are sharing with me their guilt in needing to lay low, relax, stay home and heal. Some are sharing with me that they are not too thrilled with life and living the way of what is.

I know that we are not where we were. Many are no longer on autopilot. We can't be. Our world isn't showing itself to us this way. Our world is showing itself to us with bombardment of newness, oldness but announced, and many are sharing they just do not know how to move forward easily.

I hope that through all this 'turmoil' and change; that this is the time we create Peace on Earth, happiness within and without; and a better way -- a better world in which each and every human can live the life that is inside of them to live.

Yes, this can be considered very deep. This is life altering stuff. Our world is crying for love and love is what I want to help it get.

So, in all this display of truth that we may not have shared for so long and wholly, ever, as one world -- may we live with open hearts and minds; may we try to understand or at least believe in each other and encourage each other in kindness. May we believe that what is to come will feel beautiful to 'bathe' in -- this energy of everything human and alive, interconnected and built through a divine source.

May we share who we are and the pain inside and the 'inner knowing' that is our own and may we share it in a way we feel supported, heard, and from a place of knowing that we matter. We all matter. We all breathe now in this time because each one of us is important for this beautiful change to occur. May generations to come not know war, hatred or fear just because of our uniqueness or differences. May we learn how to embrace and support this uniqueness through love and not through hurting of each other.

May you (think) send love to the hate, joy to the sadness, peace to the turmoil and connection to all that is. This is not the most productive answer. It is, perhaps, a better answer than 'fueling' what hurts us.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!