Be U: Struggling

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Struggling

I'm struggling with these new doctors. I believe it is mostly because I want them to know me and trust me as my former ones did and I am not receiving this trust. It is better with one; it is not good with the other.

I think to call and find new doctors. I am burned out and tired to do so. It is not in me easily. My drive to get help is not strong.

I think it comes from reaching out so much for so long, and while getting closer to my inner self, my body still suffers. No easy answer; no answer, really, to change my symptoms.

This new doctor says I 'should' not need pain medicine. My stiffly tight and painful body tells me otherwise. I am confused if it is because my body has known pain medicine for so long or if my body is living with the painful symptoms of scleroderma and dis-ease.

So, I sit in this not knowing or feeling a push or a pull in any direction. I feel stuck, frustrated and exhausted mentally and physically.

It is hard for me to think of the little things in life, like organizing and doing every day things while my body and mind are stuck in a standoff of starting over and having to go through tests, new drugs, new criteria so this doctor can maybe know what he needs to 'see' if he can offer any help or pain free days.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

I'm going to reach out to one more addiction specialist to see if I can gather any information on dis-eases and addicting drugs. To see if they can offer me insight into what is true pain that my body has and what is pain from the drugs that I am on. There is no easy answer that I know.

As they are cracking down on narcotics and the pharmacies have somehow been given permission to decline drugs that a doctor's prescription prescribes, I believe it will ween out the people that abuse them and the people that need them. Which one am I...

My lack of embracing this medicine from the beginning and my trust in what doctors have offered me have gotten me to this question. Not once has a doctor that I was a patient to tell me I was abusing them. I have questioned it in the past, they assured me it was like a diabetic needing insulin. Yet, our world is possibly not tolerating or supporting that analogy and I am stuck in the middle. My life is somewhat 'owned' by the drugs, the doctors, the pharmacists, the insurance company and the manufacturers of these drugs.

Yes, they have allowed me to do many, many things that I probably would not have been able to do because of feeling the pain. Yet, I still have, also, known great pain. And, yes, I have felt like a criminal needing my next fix at times with how I have been treated by some. This is where I need to stand in my own truth and speak and share me. Will anyone listen....

I hope someone can help me 'grow' and maneuver through (what feels like) this mess that I am in.

I walk on. I am so deeply embedded in my life just now that it is hard for me to share it as I have no clear picture or feeling of the totality of it.

So, I love myself through as best I can; as best I know how and as only I can.

May you love yourself through as best as you can with what you know and who you are; as only you really know what is going on inside of yourself. May you be your own best support.

No comments:

Post a Comment

My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!