Be U: Intense

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Intense

Sometimes when life feels too intense, we bring up our defense. We automatically can close ourselves up or off and, in my case, shrink.

My habit that I bore long ago was to shrink into a corner as to not 'rock the boat' or 'create waves' or be noticed or heard.

Everything that was going on outside of myself was more important than what was going on inside of myself. This is how it surely felt anyway. So I would turn off, shrink, not be who I was in the moment in hope that any turmoil or anger would pass and I would feel safe again.

I was not physically abused as a child. I was not verbally abused. My parents were in such states of turmoil, duress, survival and/or abandonment mode that I told myself I was not allowed to think outside of what they could handle, help with, listen to or even hear.

I knew when I could be me comfortably and when it felt too scary to speak up.

Now as a grown woman, - I brought with me, this habit. If I feel threatened or am around unloving situations, I do not let myself be heard. I shrink.

Starting today, I want to be heard. I have many more tools that I can deal with people's reactions or situations that feel unsafe. I can be heard in ways that help and/or grow situations/people and it is my goal to do so.

Times are extremely intense lately; moreso than not. High pressures, confusion, challenges and change is abundant as we are all way more out in the open and unable to hide. Many of us feel the need to share the truth of who we are and reach out to people that will support same.

We want to be heard. We want to know we matter. We want to feel like we are enough and that who we are makes a difference to others. We want to feel loved and give love. We want to feel fulfilled.

Everything that is inside of us many of us want to allow out.

We are being brought to our knees; to surrender; to connect and to create a world that is more sensible to live in.

May you breathe through this intensity. May you stay open and truthful. May you live in your fullness of everything that you are and feel. May you come from a place of love. May you trust yourself to be okay with whatever situation comes your way; whatever person enters your world.

May you, from this day forward, live the YOU that you were born to live in the fullest capacity possible. Now is the time, the opening, the only way to grow to create a more enjoyable, heartfelt world for all living creatures.

We may have strayed from much. This is our learning.

My dream is for us all to live as one united colony in peace, truth, trust, openness and support of one another. I wish to be heard and I wish for you to be heard from a place of deepest, kindest inner knowing that the energy of it is so engaging it rises us all up.

The negative intensity scares me. The positive energy propels me to openness.

May you be the energy you want to live in.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!