Be U: Vamp and Revamp

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Vamp and Revamp

I am in deep. I am in the subtle throes of alteration, change, growth, creativity, new-ness, and hit with what feels like a whole new way of 'living me'.

From a new home to letting go of my past way of living, to doing the banking and paperwork, to new doctors, to new light switches (for pete's sake), I wake up in a very different atmosphere/world than what I have known and what I've been used to -- or it certainly feels so anyway.

I don't remember what a comfort level feels like. I am still discovering the depth of myself and it isn't easy to admit some of it; feels childish in ways; and offers the ability to really create the life that is inside of me to live moving forward.

I've been sitting here all day (after going for tests yesterday in a new hospital, by a new doctor, a new state, with an older body (just saying)) to reach out and call my new doctor's office to see how they handle test results and prescription refills.

I'm beat. I'm tired. I don't want to 'play this game' any more. I want to be free to just live and not have medicine and feeling yucky and doctors visits getting in the way. I've been playing this particular game since I've been 17 and I no longer want to play. I feel myself kicking and screaming to get out of doing it... Ha!

My body is screaming and writhing in subtle pain and discomfort. Imagine your skin being too small for your skeleton... Imagine not being able to use your hands without thinking about it and imagine a change in temperature scaring you first and then hurting you as you feel your body shrink and shut down some. It is quite the ride.

Since I was a teenager, I knew I was going to live in Florida. I've had many wonderful winters here. This is not what I imagined as a teenager and, yet, I am here... I made it!

So, now what...

I have clues... I want to help others. I want to be among people that love, care and support each other. I want to help change the world one person, one breath, one cell at a time. I want to enjoy the palm trees, the ocean, the fabulous tropical air. I want to have fun with my family and friends.

And, just now, I am re-adapating (as I have adapted before). I am learning this new life that I have placed myself in, that is being thrown at me and as I allow it and can't stop it...

We all have our stuff. Much of it is pretty loud just now. We are all growing, living, being here now together, individually.

We let life and ease of it flow through us or we fight and kick and scream. It is not what is happening with us and to us, it is how we respond to each and every situation.

I believe that as I bring my deepest truth into each situation, I am living my life fulfilled. I am living the moment as me and all that I am. I am embracing or running and everything in between. I am living this human experience alive and aware.

For now, it is where I am. For now, I honor me. For now, I flow with and accept everything that I feel and am. I flow and accept that this is not where I feel happiest. I flow and accept that I no longer want to play this game as I 'play' it. I flow and accept that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, feeling as I'm supposed to be feeling and living as I'm supposed to be living... until it changes... and it will.

It always changes.

May you flow and accept exactly where you are as you settle into it to experience fulfillment in the now -- and not when so and so happens or when what's his/her face appears or when this is achieved.... Live YOU NOW fully alive and present and let this lead you into your future. My wish.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!