Be U: Nothingness

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Thursday, December 22, 2022

Nothingness

There is a nothingness; a knowing of very little; a quiet and silence that I am experiencing just now.

No words, thoughts, ideas come to mind or are flowing through me.

'Nothingness' feels like the right title just now.

It has been said that "we are all just walking each other home". Ram Dass

It seems to me, after being out and about all day today, that many (maybe most of us) do not understand this 'walk' or know the true reality of it. In our current situation of life as it is, many of us are uncertain of walking through each day.

Nothing is 'normal'. 'Normal' has left our world. What we once knew to be normal is being questioned, challenged, rearranged and, perhaps, we are being invited to let go of 'normal' and welcome 'what is'.

May you let 'what is' through what is love, trust and truth to You. Walk with the feeling of being You inviting your easiest, most authentic and kindest parts of You to come forth the loudest and lead your way.

From your honest deduction of what is not You, You are home.

From your most fulfilled way of participating, You are home.

You are home when what is going on within You is invited and given your permission and help to live outside of You.

This is You being Home, here and now.

The 'home' Ram Dass talked about is - I always thought and felt from within myself - home where our soul and spirit fly and our body and mind rests and our heart beats no more but, spiritually, holds this and, perhaps, many life times near to us and eternal. The soul is the wisdom. The spirit is the passion. This is our ultimate home where we roam free anywhere and everywhere without any confines.

Note: After typing this, I googled Ram Dass and it is said that he was referring to home as our true essence as well. Hoot

May you connect to and live from your own deeply embedded wisdom and your most joyful, fully encompassed and ingrained passions.

May you live in this world; as much and as often as possible, from your unique home where You are simply and epically living You.

Our true essence is our purpose for being. Own it precious and unique One. Own everything You.

Perhaps, nothingness is also everything...

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!