Be U: Honor and Be

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Friday, July 15, 2022

Honor and Be

I do not know where to begin; where I will go.

My brain is tired. My body is hurting. My breath is not doing it for me. What is next could be a real adventure or a real lesson. Who knows.

I am discombobulated and disconnected. It almost feels like it takes too much work to feel connected.

I know there is an underlying connection of being connected just because that is the underlying truth of human beingness (for me).

To feel connected as we each go our own way, process our own processing, being true to who we are or at least the awareness of our selves more and more. My feeling of connectivity is a bit dormant as I fear the new connections from truth being known and lived.

I know how I have done it in the past that has made it feel like connections are alive and ample. This new way that seems to be knocking, I do not know it, recognize it or am I sure of it.

I take a deep breath. I know that to flow with all these feelings will take me to where I'm going and allow me to trust that I am where I am supposed to be.

The human side of me is questioning the depth of what or what doesn't matter.

It is definitely not working because 'I've always done it this way'. It is definitely not working because 'that is just who I am'.

There feels to be a presence surrounding me and in me that is standing by for it's turn to live in and through my aliveness.

I'm not really sure what this means.. It is what I am feeling and what thoughts come to me as I open up to what to type here.

I'm not having a whole lot of fun. I'm not in a state of ease and simplicity. I sure do welcome both. I believe in both. I'm ready to live in and through both again.

Will I get there.. I shall see.

I believe I will get right where I'm supposed to be through allowing and bringing Me (my truth) into what is now.

How do I explain and share it when I myself do not have a good handle on 'it'.

I know nothing else just now than to open to what is my experience; trust it, keep my heart and mind open, and allowance settle into each and every cell of my beingness.

Gather. Release. Breathe. Feel. Even when there's no structure or knowledge of what is happening.

I stand as openly true of myself, through myself, for myself, for others, for the world.

May you stand as openly true of You, through You, for You, for others, for the world.

Honor. Honor. Honor.

There is no good use for hostility. That blocks the honor.

Who are you through your loving heart open to feeling the way that you do?

Oh la la. May the best come forth, show itself, show us, be present and be received.

The only limitations are the ones we believe in.

Be free. Be true. Be real. Be raw. Be U. Be.

Honor and Be.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!