Be U: Like There’s No Tommorrow

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Friday, November 22, 2019

Like There’s No Tommorrow

Like there’s no tomorrow...

I heard myself saying that I am aching like there is no tomorrow. For some reason those words were loud and I immediate thought what does that even mean.

I googled it. In the Cambridge Dictionary it reads “informal. If someone does something like there is/was no tomorrow, they do it very fast, in large amounts and without thinking carefully:”.

So I carefully (ha) thought about it and said I think I want to live more often like there is no tomorrow.

I want to do what is in my heart to do and not take the time to talk myself out of it. I want to say what feels right for me to say without stopping myself because I may be challenged or looked at like I said something to another human that does not think like me. I pretty much have this freedom of saying/typing things down here on my blog. I just go with what comes up ‘like there’s no tomorrow'. It is in person that is more difficult for me because I can see and feel reactions.

Here I put out what is inside of me in hope of supporting/empowering you to do the same. It also, often, amazes me to read what I do, say, think and feel.

In the physical world I more often than not stop myself doing things I want to do because I'm realizing I trust myself less now than ever before. Partially because I am not capable of doing some 'very easy' everyday things I used to be able to do because of scleroderma and partially because I have let myself feel hurt by certain things and situations in the many years I have lived and fear shows up to 'protect' me from feeling any more hurt.

Why is it that I am choosing to build up the hurt and lack instead of building up the feeling of being uplifted which I have experienced and pleasantly opened myself to and the amazing ways I have worked around this dis-ease.

I want to do me; live free; be love and let my light aflame like there is no tomorrow.

Good news is that I'm the one that is stopping myself. And the bad news is that I'm the one that is stopping myself.

I don't want to stop the me I am and that I want to be anymore; ever again. Perhaps if I shoot for 'ever again', I have the best chance of starting off doing it some of the time.

I want to live from the truth of me and let this be joy because it is. I have done this and it brings me the deepest, loudest, most joyful joy I have ever known.

To just be who we are and want to be and to live fully in this is joy.

Oh. May you live in joy. Your kind of joy.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!