Be U: Frigid

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Wednesday, November 20, 2019

Frigid

Well, the weather here in S. Florida has changed and our winter is in the air. It is nothing like the winters I grew up in in Pennsylvania, USA. And, the air still feels different and cold. I love putting on the sweats. I don't love feeling the cold from the inside out.

With Raynauds and Scleroderma, for me, the cold is hurtful and I find myself aching and a wee bit cranky.

I find myself amazed at how much the cold does affect me. It is interesting how I still find myself amazed by this after more than 40 years of it. Wow. My human brain can forget, ignore, relearn and react in ways, that if I don't do my best to take control of, it surely will be taking control of me.

Good news is I can teach myself to react differently. Bad news is that I am the only one that can do it. No one can do it for me.

In truth, I probably wouldn't want anyone too. I think that I would like it to be easier, at times, than it is, however.

So, while I love breathing in the fresh cool air and wearing my sweats, [I have a sweatshirt on today that reads 'Just Breathe'] the cold hurts me and I feel myself contracting with it, feeling the urge to hibernate and not only cranky, but a bit miserable too.

I am open to accepting this as my truth. It seems to be a process that I process multiple times. The good news is that I do eventually process it. The bad news is that I forget that I process it and seem to have to do it every winter.

I am grateful that the winter is so mild here. I don't think of winter as closing my backyard like I did up north. I think of winter as a few days I get to wear my UGGs. Yes, I still wear them and find them extremely comfortable. Sexy, no. Comfortable, yes.

And, in our comfort, aren't we all just maybe a little sexy. Ha.

May you meet yourself and your life where it is at. It is okay to feel exactly how you are feeling. May you also know gratitude for the things in your life that you do enjoy, appreciate and work for You.

However you need to do you - forgive yourself; love yourself; be there for yourself and let yourself grow into every situation that shows up - your truth, your trust and your empowerment in accepting what is.

This is how human nature works best, perhaps. I wish you the best humanness you have to live in today and every day.

Cheers. If you are human and you are still carrying onward, then you have graduated into the status of living through the human spirit. May you let your soul and your spirit fill your life up and share the awesome that is you out...

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!