Be U: T I R E D

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Monday, June 27, 2016

T I R E D - What if

I am pushing today. Not going anywhere, but I feel like I am pushing. I don't want to push. It doesn't feel great. It feels like a war. I don't like wars.

There is a lovely rain coming down from the grey sky. The leaves are jumping when the rain drops hit them. The sound is making me sleepy. The darkness makes my body feel heavier.

I have been eating way a lot. Out of control. I am turning to food for some kind of comfort. This is new to me and I don't understand it. I won't even take a serious look at it other than knowing that this is what I am doing and that it does not feel good.

It was my husband's birthday and our daughter came home as a wonderful surprise for the weekend. It really was wonderful to have her with us. It was quick but very sweet. The surprise was his greatest gift.

I am alone again. It is interesting that when my family and/or husband is here and for a few days, I get spoiled and enjoy it. When they or he leaves to travel and or live their lives, it takes me a while to love my alone time again. I mostly always find my way but not always on 'my time'.

I know if I had a life outside of my family that I would not have time to feel this alone time and/or lonely.

I struggle with where I am in this. Am I lazy to not go out and find something to do. Is it the dis-ease within my body (and perhaps, my mind) that won't let me go searching.

I know I am fearful of professional commitment. It has been over 20 years since I had a profession other than being a mom and a wife.

I know 'mom' is the hardest job as it doesn't allow for breaks. AND, I know that I am the one that taught myself and believed this to be true.

Moms are allowed breaks if you allow yourself to break. I sure hope that you do if you are a mom; and a dad, for that matter.

You need to be your human self; your human being; your human doing.

This is where I am stuck.

Sure I talk to people all day long. I go out for massages. I go out - very infrequent - for a lunch with a friend. I take few classes. I learn and grow everyday. I have become a kind of recluse by choice. It started off with 'finding myself' - my 'internal self'. I have found me.

Now, what do I do with me. I know what I feel I am destined to do. I know what brings me great joy. I am 'abled' and available to do same.

Yet, here I sit frozen.

I have an ulcer on my thumb just now. It is the first one I've had in a long time. It feels like at least six months since a yucky sore. This is really good that I have gone this long without one.

How do I know what is going on with me....   Do I feel this way because of the ulcer.   Do I feel this way in fear of getting an ulcer or experiencing pain.   Do I feel this way for fear of commitment.   Do I feel this way because this has been my life for a long time... YES to all of the above; most probable.

How does one know when one doesn't know... Just do it. Just do it comes to mind.

May my body listen and I find myself just doing it and knowing what it is as soon as I see, feel, know it. May it be awesome.

May your body listen and you find yourself just doing what you kind of/sort of know you are supposed to be doing, especially because you want to do it. May it be awesome.

If you find yourself stuck - just maybe stuck is where you are supposed to be.  Just know that it won't last. For most of us, it does not. For all of us, time changes everything.  Be caring, open, truthful and reasonable. Be love.

Is my life the life of being out in the world supporting others' lives.   Is my life the life that I stay put and be the lighthouse and let people find me. Is my life the life of dealing with doctors, ailments, lack of and unfulfilled desire...

I say it is probably all of these things. We cycle. We recycle. We create anew. This is life. Knowing this, believing this, allowing this gives me some comfort in knowing that, just maybe, my body, mind and soul have me exactly where I am supposed to be;.. for now.

Perhaps, your mind, body and soul have you exactly where you are supposed to be;... for now.

Embrace and love yourself through.   I embrace and love myself through.   Amen.

We will know and do when we are supposed to know and do... Just what if this is the true way of life instead of accumulating, gathering, striving. Just what if it is allowing, embracing and loving...

I think throughout our lifetime, we probably hit most of these above things. What if where you are right now is one of the greatest 'home runs' you will ever experience and/or live through. It is still living. It is still life. It is still you. Love is still an option.

May you choose love as often as possible. Choose your truth and follow it through to a more sun-shiny kind of day.

Live without the war inside of you.   May you live without war.

As I finish this, the sun is peaking through...

Da sky after da storm

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!