Be U: Dentist/Do It/On

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Monday, June 6, 2016

Dentist/Do It/On

Oh my! It is this time again for me.

I have a cleaning appointment scheduled for tomorrow.   My mouth and I must go. I'm way off the regular suggested schedule.

Knowing that it is coming up, I find myself sluggish, achy and scared.   I don't even like to put my own fingers in my mouth as they get stuck and it doesn't work well. Why would I want another to do so...   Yikes.

I want them to because I like having my teeth. I like being able to chew. I like not being in pain because of a toothache or a sore mouth -- so I go to the dentist. I have to say it feels wonderful afterwards to have clean, sparkly teeth and gums. My cheeks and jaw aren't the happiest, but my teeth and gums are grateful.

Give and take.   Take and give.   This is what life is all about. When I can get a pretty good balance between the two, it is a happy day!

I could sit here and call myself a loser - I may have; .. once.   I could sit here and know that I have real reason to be and feel uncomfortable about this 'visit'. I certainly do this. I could have a strong, underlying discomfort in knowing about this visit. And, this, I most certainly do.

When I was younger; much younger, I would just be concerned about this moment, this day - I would tell myself worry about tomorrow tomorrow.   It doesn't come as easy to me as it used to.   Most likely because I am not having as much fun today as I used to then.

Perhaps, this is one of the greatest changes that I am in control of. I can have and do fun things today. I only need give myself permission to do same. This, herein, lies the problem. I stopped giving myself permission to do things that make me happy always. I almost have to fight with myself to allow myself to do something just for the simple reason that it makes me happy; that it is fun for me.

I am ready to change this up. I am going to a 'fortune teller' on Wednesday just because they are here and available and I get a kick out of it.

After my dentist doom is over, I am going to schedule a 'Pilates' appointment just for the fun of it.

I know that exercise is my best and quickest path to me. I know this. I have continued walking every night. I am putting miles and steps on my 'Fitbit'. I have not made it to the gym yet. I hope I make it there before summer is over! I will.

So, as I do my very best to accept where I'm at and love myself where I'm at and accept and fall into fun from where I'm at, I know that all is as it is supposed to be and my survival rate of the dentist chair is 100% thus far; although there were some hit and misses!   Ha. lol   Truth.

My small mouth, that is touched by and with scleroderma, is not thrilled about having to try to get an x-ray in there. And, yet, we somehow get through it and the poor dentist gets just as challenged as I at times.

I'm grateful they will work with me.

May you 'walk in' to places even though it may not be the most fun place you find yourself. However, may you 'walk in' if you get something positive and loving towards yourself out of it. May you trust yourself to be in control of your truth. Allow, stay in and share your truth as you survive and accomplish the goal at hand - or in this case, in the mouth...

Treat yourself with kindness and may kindness be what you know most to get through the 'hard' parts of your life.   Perhaps, with kindness comes ease.

Unknown

Walk your walk. Talk your talk. Live your life. Permission On!

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!