Be U: Realization III

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Friday, August 30, 2013

Realization III

Wow. I am getting bombarded with information that I feel like I have been living and did not have words to represent such. My actions and feelings were/are mine. They are real. I did not have mindful meaning to some things, however, until now.

My beautiful Shambala that I built in Northeastern Pennsylvania, USA... My fairly large, built from our vision home. I heard the phrase 'a slice of paradise' today and this is certainly what this house felt like to me.

Today, I released it into the Universe to be sold. I cried. I held on. I let go. I'm still not 100% and I'm closer than I ever have been in 'seeing' it as someone else's and no longer my own.

I realized that this house to me was tied into my 'worth'. I was beyond proud of it and I loved sharing it. I let it become who I am. It humored, comforted and, in ways, enslaved me. My life was so much built around my home.

While this is not an all negative thing by any means, there is some negativity, perhaps, in it.

I wrote to one of my undying friends today this...

"Hmm. I often feel like this [not good enough to share myself physically in the world as I am now]. This feeling became very prominent (loud) afterwards [talking about aggressively selling my home]. Oh sh*t. I hide behind that house. Oh sh*t. I let it be my worth in many ways. I was proud of it. I loved to share it. Now I don't have it to be proud of or share. Oh sh*t. That's it!!! Gross!!! Ok. Thx. I have much to process..."

LOL and true. I am here in the midst of my truth that I have to change up because I want to stand as ONLY ME and be good enough, strong enough, firm enough, easy enough, just enough with Just Being Me.

May you truly believe you are enough just as you are today. May you look in the mirror and tell yourself you are enough just as you are, exactly as you are, in every way.

This doesn't mean that you may not want to change things and live a better way of living you. And, as you are today, you are right where you are supposed to be. And, with what you know now, you are creating anew exactly what you want to live, be and do going forward.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!