Be U: Realization II

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Realization II

I'm mentally tired before I even start to type this post.  I know it is an important one for me and I have no sentences in my head to help me to get started or direct me.

I've always realized that I've been saying how I've given up who I am and somewhat lost myself for wanting to be here for my family. I stopped continued exercise, stopped working and became a stay at home mom and house manager. I made a beautiful home for my family and I've always been there for anyone who would need or want my presence.

I recently heard myself saying... Yes, I did give what I knew and enjoyed up; pretty much 7 months into my pregnancy.  AND, I now realize that I did this for no one but myself. This was my need that encouraged me to do so so that I could support more fully my husband and/or my child. I did this because I wanted to. This was my goal to stand by and support their lives. This was my life. This was my choice.

No one made me do it. No one told me to do it. No one demanded or expected me to do it. I can even say that I am blessed because my husband supported me doing just this.

As time went on, and I was 'here' for them, they became used to me being on call. This is what I taught them I would do.   It all came from me.   My goal was to be here to support their lives and this is what I needed/wanted to do for myself.

I feel good that I supported them to be the best that they can be. I'm not sure they would say I did this. I think and believe I did; for a large part of their lives at least.

As my daughter is transitioning into college dorm life, I am still here for her needs as she processes the transition from traveling her whole life to staying put for the college year. It is huge and I want her to know that I am here and that I know she can and will be able to do whatever/however she chooses.

I also feel that I did what I set out to do. I achieved my goal. I now choose to get my life as I want it from my own internal (just for me) goals as a woman that wants to experience more of life; more of the world around me and within me.

I loved (most of the time) being here for others. I now want to work it from a place of being here for myself in a way that self comes first.   And, as I write this - I cannot come up with a good way to get around the fact that what I did and how I lived was for myself. However, myself as a mom, wife, sister and friend.   Now, I want to live as the woman I was born to be in my own skin. I may want this woman to roar as a stand alone being again. I need this. I believe.

I will still love, share and want what is best for my loved ones. I now want to know (again) what professional productivity feels from the woman that I am. I loved working very full days and sharing myself with the outside world. I want to do this again. I need to do this again. I need me to thrive as just me; no attachments. I want to 'sell' me and be all that I can be.

I will also be my daughter's mom. I will always be my husband's wife. I will always be my friend's friend. I will always be my sibling's sister.

I now want to play my 'own woman' again. I hope I know how. I am sure going to find out. There is a force here pushing me to this and an excitement that renders it useless to resist.

I am woman, hear me roar. LOL. at least meow for now.....

I know exercise is going to be my passageway from where I am today to where I am going to be tomorrow.

I can't wait to move my body again tomorrow. It is one of the greatest gifts I can give myself alone.

May you be aware of one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself and 'give on'. Just give it up for yourself now. My wish for you.

lol

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!