Be U: Holy Moly

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Monday, August 12, 2013

Holy Moly

THE TIME HAS COME for me to learn it good (or it feels this way at least).

My intimate get-together has turned into a party of 30 right in front of my eyes and I'm awake.

Oh, not so sure I want to be this awake!

I feel that no one understands me. And, I know because I am not communicating all of who I really am.

How lucky that this is happening with many of my loved ones around me. I believe I have always come from .. 'come with your goal and I will help you succeed'. (I do not know how other people see me.. I do know that this is how I feel and what I am coming to believe just now, today).

I sit in tears; real tears coming down my face; feeling very alone; overwhelmed.  I never really showed my truest of self. I didn't let others help me or be close to me unless I was feeling good. I am a pleaser. I enjoy it because I base most of my happiness outside of myself. It brings me happiness to see others happy. I want to consciously be aware what makes me happy, alone, also. I need to see me happy first. This is about me not allowing my goal to matter and coming to fruition.

I think this was a false self; based on truth. However, when I go to the point of exhaustion or not knowing what I like or think at times... this, certainly, is going too far. It is no one's fault but my own. I am the creator here. This is the only way I allowed people around me. What comes to mind is that I even told a friend that it's easier for me to be around people that need my help than people that do not need me or don't want my help.

Oh darnit; HUGE; that I'm finding myself going here... Double Yikes.

I guess to really change things up, I really have to change things up.

THIS IS NOT EASY.   I have huge fear of hurting others and huge fear of disconnecting from people. 'Old school' for sure.

Well, there is a new teacher in the house; a new school house and I'm in it! It just may be the hardest place for me to sit. And, sit I will. I will not stop now. This is about having achieved my goal within the goals of others.

I come from love. I am love of self. When I love myself, I only breathe love.... I hope so anyway!

May you believe that when you love yourself, you only have love to share. Share love.

God bless the people that love me. Herewith so much change up in around me, it is surely to affect them. I see it happening. They are telling me it is happening.  I've got your back people.

We have this, together.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!