Be U: Spinning

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Spinning

I have been very open, honest, and clear to the best of my ability about what I know and experience even when I come from lack of clarity. I certainly am coming from lack of clarity now. I certainly am coming from hesitation and uncertainty.

I am 2000 miles away from a brilliant woman that is alone and sick; scared and fearful.

I am not sure how to best help this woman. My usual MO is to run to the needy and sit with them and try to offer peace when nothing else is available.

It does not feel right for me to do this today. The restrictions that are in front of me to run to this woman are plentiful, real and accurate. The thought of going to her for a few days and then leaving her side is more heart wrenching than staying here and being with her from the distance.

My head, heart, soul, being and body spin from this knowledge. The distance is harder on me, I believe, than sitting there in the chaos of hospital, life, doctors, fear and the unknown. Being in the distance of this is so greatly upsetting to me. I am more peaceful present. Either way, my mind and thoughts are there.

I know each one of us handles life, sadness and struggles differently. I honor this. Where we've been, what we know, what we believe and who we are creates/teaches us to handle things differently. One way is not better than the other in the big picture. One way is better than the other for our individual personalities. There could be 10 people handling the same situation and it WILL look and feel different to each one of them.

I would like to offer to follow yourself; do not judge others and keep your heart as open as possible. Be true to what you know and feel. Allow others to do the same.

As I'm walking through this with great stiffness in my body and many thoughts flying around my mind; I am open to learning a new and better way that is most peaceful to me. I believe this is the goal of living in a human form.

When I have peace; I connect to peace.

So, as I'm walking with this unknown, uncertainty, guilt and struggle, I have my muck boots on and I'm praying for clarity, strength, love, perseverance and peace for myself and for every other living creature in our big, beautiful and challenging world.

I am praying for peace for all those that are sick and alone. I'm praying for peace for all those healthy and working. I'm praying for peace for all human beings.

Yes, we all look and are different. Yet, bottom line is we all know some type of suffering; we all know a form of greatness.

We all walk through whether we know we are doing so or not. We all walk through. We are all on this journey of living.

May you connect to your peace within in as many situations as you possibly can. When we are all connected to peace, will peace be the abundant ingredient in our world?

PEACE TO YOU WITHIN AND WITHOUT

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!