Be U: Dare to Live

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Dare to Live

I'm daring to live all of me. Daring to live through my fear and live me once again. I'm living the me that is here for my family and I'm getting ready to live the me that is here for me. To be the sole person; the individual; the human being that I am as I stand strong and independent. I have been a mom and a wife for a long time. I will always be lucky/blessed/fortunate for the ability to know what this is. I will never stop being a mom and a wife.

However, love of myself has to come in full force just now. I'm afraid of this. I'm not sure I feel entitled to this. If I'm out doing my thing and my family needs me and I am not present for them - am I a bad mom/wife.........

I think this is my belief -- this 'feeling' of reverse abandonment. Leaving my dogs is tough for me. I feel like I am abandoning them. I know there is a better way to think. I'm onto it. Look out. Ha.

Oh, abandonment issues run deep from childhood into adulthood for me.

Abandonment - (dictionary.com)
verb

1. to leave completely and finally; forsake utterly; desert: to abandon one's farm; to abandon a child; to abandon a sinking ship.

2. to give up; discontinue; withdraw from: to abandon a research project; to abandon hopes for a stage career.

3. to give up the control of: to abandon a city to an enemy army.

4. to yield (oneself) without restraint or moderation; give (oneself) over to natural impulses, usually without self-control: to abandon oneself to grief.

So, as I can see with the definition of abandonment... Abandonment is leaving and never coming back for the most part. I do not do this to my dogs. I do not do this to my family. I will not.

In fact, with this definition; my father did not abandon me completely. He came back. He came back when I was an adult. So, yes, I was abandoned as a child. However, when I was an adult, my father played a very small role in my life. I suppose I'd call it a friendship on his terms. It was a choice for me to accept or decline this offered relationship with him. I could not decline. It is not who I am.

I have this belief that we all do the best we can with what we know and where we've been and who we are. I believe my father did the best he could. It certainly was not what I needed (or thought I needed) and, yet, do I know this for sure... Who would I have been if he would have stayed... Certainly not the person I am today.

HOW DID I GET HERE???? Yikes

So, as I continue forward to find the life and person I am here to be in the present; with my innate knowing; my inner beliefs and thoughts being the same as the person I show to the world, the person that is connected to the body I reside in....I am whole as best as I know how to be in the moment. I am whole. I am on the outside the same as I am on the inside for the first time in a very, very, very long time. I am in sync and aware of this completed task that was so important for me to achieve. Woo Hoo

Can't wait to see where I go next!!!!!! This is huge for me. HUGE!

As a good friend and peer, in wanting the world to be all that it can be, reminds me ... LIVE LIFE ALIVE, I say LIVE LIFE ALIVE AS YOUR TRUE SELF..... with all the imperfections, all the insecurities, all the beauty, all the truth of who we are... LIVE LIFE ALIVE AND AWARE OF WHO YOU ARE.

If we do this; we have everything we need already to create, be and live the life we were meant to live. We know how. The instructions are in us. We only need to pay attention; listen, hear and respond accordingly.

LIVE ON. May you live on as YOU - in all your glory...... SHINE YOUR LIGHT.

a bit dramatic and it comes from my heart. lol/yikes/look out/DO YOU!

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!