Be U: Emotions

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Emotions

My emotions are out the window, off the charts, over the top, etc. There is much change going on in and around my life.

Now, that I have written, "I am whole", I guess God, the universe, the greatest of powers is showing me more than I believe I'm ready to handle.

Emotions are meant to emote. Well, emoting I am. I know that many of these emotions are not mine to own. I am taking on others' feelings. They throw it to me, I catch it. I don't want to do this anymore. I want to care, be helpful and compassionate and I do not want to feel like it's my stuff to fix. It's especially true with a family member because it became a habit of mine to do so a long time ago. My head/brain knows the difference of what is mine and what is not, my heart/body isn't completely certain. I have to get my brain to tell my body to let go of what is not mine to own and to know the difference. This is a work in progress.

So, I go to the tarot cards (because I enjoy 'the game'), "The Alchemical Tarot" by Rosemary Ellen Guiley and Robert M. Place and I pick two cards. I have one other card already sitting in the book from a previous pick. Below are the cards that I am 'playing' with today.

Knight of Vessels
"The message here speaks of the attainment of emotional satisfaction. But, when questing into emotions and the unconscious, do not go off foolishly into the depths. Also, you may be getting a message 'out of the blue', perhaps in the form of a synchronicity. It is an unexpected emotional satisfaction. Maybe you have already received it and, like the knight, need to take notice. Open your eyes to what is around you."

King of Vessels
"To rule your emotions means to let them alone. They are a force of Nature. You are the source of your own satisfaction; do not look to others to provide that for you. Do not allow others to take away your happiness. It is only necessary for you to control your own behaviour, which is independent from the emotions."

Ace of Staffs
"You are experiencing the beginning or birth of something that will require a lot of energy, like a new job, a new project or a new relationship. Even though it requires energy, it gives energy back to you in reward."

May you allow your emotions to emote while knowing which ones are yours and letting go of the ones you are creating because of others' needs/beliefs that you maybe buying into.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!