Have Notta

I have nothing to add to my posts right now.  I think I'm at the point where so much is unsettled in myself, I am most unsettled.

I don't know how to share this part of me.  As I'm thinking about trying new things and getting out in the world in different ways, I have shame, embarrassment, uncertainty and fear most prevalent right now.  How does one share these feelings?  Maybe right like this.

I surely do not want to give them to anyone and they are so soft-spoken on the outside of me and so harsh on the inside of me.  Am I being presumptuous that I have the power to give them to people?

None of this really makes much sense to me - other than I'm hiding from something(s) I may not want to deal with.  A big, fat UGH.

So, while I 'have notta' to share really, I'm trying to let feeling and thoughts circle about myself and it certainly does feel like a whirlwind.  Like a 'twister' is inside of me not knowing what to grab onto and not knowing what to knock out of me and not knowing what to reveal....

I'm getting crazier than ever!  I am being as true as I know how AND I'm as screwy as the weather.

I know that I will survive.  That's what I do.  That's what we all do.  We survive in the face of travesty and we thrive in the face of abundance and happiness. 

Is it possible to thrive in the face of adversity as well?

 Adversity  is

1.  a condition marked by misfortune, calamity, or distress:

2.  an adverse or unfortunate event or circumstance: You will meet many adversities in life. (dictionary.com)

 

May U thrive today knowing U are a survivor. 

 

That's how humans are built.  We survive in the worst circumstances and we thrive in the best of circumstances for us.

 

Can we go in and out of survival and thriving from moment to moment?  I'm thinking 'U betcha".

 

Life = Surviving and Thriving  (how do U best handle each?)

 

 

Adrienne Rich Quote

"Every journey into the past is complicated by delusions, false memories, false namings of real events."

    Adrienne Rich

Body Holds On

I believe our bodies have a way of holding on to (filing away) every experience we have in our lives.  We become our experiences in many ways.

I say this because my body has felt so much over the past year.  Right now it's feeling numbness (stillness) and almost like steam evaporating off of me.

Oh, yes, that sounds Crazy. 

However, if I am true - I do feel this 'steam' being pulled up and away from my skin mostly on my arms, legs, upper back and face. 

It's like with the learning of speaking my truth and knowing that a gigantic thunderbolt DOES NOT come out of the sky to crash on me, so to speak, my body changes with the new and improved thoughts in my head. 

No, I do not have scientific proof.  Lucky for me, I'm not one that needs them to trust what I feel.  (I am grateful for the people that do dig deep scientifically.  It is genius.)  I know what I feel and I'm okay with it.  (sort of)

This feeling of 'steam' is a bit much even for me, but I'll run with it and see where it takes me.  Even the ringing in my ears sounds differently.  I am ready for it to leave.  I hope one day soon it will stop.  Tinnitus is not the most enjoyable thing to live with.  Ha.  Tinnitus may be about not listening to our inner voice (from the Louise Hay book "You Can Heal Your Life".

I am listening.  Oh, am I listening!

What a journey.   Not sure I'm liking it and there is no going back.  I got this.  I hope.

Is there something your body is holding on to that, perhaps, it would be best to let it go? 

 What if all we had to do was to make a conscious decision to let it go......

Speaking Truth

I am speaking my inner most thoughts and truth these days more and more.  It's most amazing to me how my world isn't crashing down around me.  Quite the opposite - I am finding my place in my world.  This is quite cool!

When I read what I'm writing or hearing what I'm saying, I'm amazed.  I just say what is inside of me through love and calm.  People hear me.  I'm being heard about my needs AND the world outside of me is pretty much staying the same.   It certainly isn't exploding.

I think I had learned or believed that, as a child, when I spoke my truth or asked for what I needed, my world was crashing down around me.  My parents were fighting, my dad was drinking and not coming home, my mom was hanging on with everything she had AND my world was crashing down around me.

WOW.  I just learned this just this second...  IT WASN'T ME SPEAKING MY TRUTH that had my world crashing down.  It was the adults in my life living (very poorly) out their lives AND the way I interpreted it.

So, now at 50, maybe I can learn to live the me I was born to live fully and completely most of the time.

Hip hip hooray.  If I had energy, I'd do a happy dance!

This learning and digging about me and how 'I roll' is quite draining and scary, enlightening and freeing. 

I question whether this 'braveness*' is worth it -- However, I cannot and do not want to stop myself.  It seems like it's my current mission.  It is what I am supposed to be doing right now.

I've said before I don't exactly like where my life and living is right now AND it's where I'm supposed to be.  This is a great thing as much as it doesn't feel too great a lot of the time.

May U be brave enough to speak your truth. 

 Perhaps, its true.  "The truth shall set you free."

T   Talk   
R   Real
U   U
T    To
H    Happiness

*I say 'braveness' because I am certainly very afraid as I am stating some of my truth.

Ah, the Sun

Another day of sunshine.  How lucky are we.   I remember being in FL and the for the first time in my life wishing the sun to go in.  Oh, sunny FL. 

Here, I am not wishing the sun to go in.  It is nice to see the sun.  I thought, perhaps, it forgot about us here in Northeastern United States.  But, nope, it's back!

The daffodils are out in full bloom and the yellow color with gold in the middle is beautiful.  Nature surely can be beautiful.  And, as we have all learned over the past, Nature can also be deadly. 

Why is it as brilliantly good as something can be in our life - that same thing can be horrific.  It seems the degree of 'good' can go to the same degree of 'bad'.  Very interesting.

Like a relationship  - it can give us such joy and happiness AND it can give us such heartfelt agony and pain.  My home can give me so much security and comfort and it can give me so much concern and chaos. 

All very interesting indeed.

Peaks and valleys.  This is life.  Our lives are full of peaks and valleys.  When we are at the peak, oh it's so good.  When we are at the valley, well, not so good. 

I'd like to just let the valley that I am in to just be.  That's what I'm trying to do.  Just accept that it is here to teach me something and create goodness for my near future. 

I am learning to trust the process of life.  I'm allowing it.  Because, in reality, what are my other options.  To fight it, to hate it, to distrust it.   Doesn't work so well for me.

So, as I trust the process of my life....May U trust the process of your life and allow it to just flow through U and create your life with U and around U and in U.

We are all on this journey of life.  We all have our really wonderful moments and our really awful moments.  May we learn that, perhaps, in reality, they are all wonderful moments.  Because is it really possible to know great love without great heartache? 

When I told myself I would never get another pet because the pain of losing them is just so great, I believed it.  Then, later in my life, I realized that, yes, the pain is great (horrible even) - and the love, fun and joy last much longer and is so worth it.  It all equals up to who we are.

We can get up and brush ourselves off and move on and live.  Or we can stay down and stuck.

May U always find your way to move on and live.

Dogs... and So Much More

Full Moon tonight and my dogs have seemed to turn into werewolves.  It is midnight and they have not gotten quiet yet.  Running in and out the dog door and barking and chasing each other; it's crazy.  I even shut the dog door and my one dog, Little Bear, decided to go out the cat door!  Wow.  what is going on.

So, needless to say I'm wide awake; sort of.  I'm chasing them all around the place and one goes this way and two go that way and one completely ignores me.  My cats are here as well 'playing the game'. 

I might as well just enjoy it and go with it.  I have lost complete control.  Mind you, I realized several years ago, I am not the Alpha Dog in this pack.  I'm not very good at making them do what I want them to do most of the time.  I could sure use the Dog Whisperer!

I have to say it is a beautiful, bright night.  I decided to bask in the moon a bit.  The temperature is quite comfortable and I can see fairly easily.  It's a good night for a sleep out.  -- Although, it won't be me sleeping out.

I'm starting to find delicious fruit at the stores.  I hear the strawberries are being locally picked and I can't wait to taste them!  A strawberry-banana smoothie sounds good about right now.  I make it with frozen strawberries, banana, strawberry or vanilla yogurt and a bit of orange juice - blend it all together and mmgood.

I love the end of the school year for many reasons.  One of them being the fresh cherries that become ripe.  It's probably my favorite fruit.

Summer is good for so many reasons.  The warm air, the bright, beautiful sunshine; the fresh fruits and vegetables, the warm sand if I'm lucky enough to make it to the beach --  oh, I'm dreaming now.  I haven't made it to the beach at the Jersey Shore probably since I lived there 15 years ago.  With the house in FL and my daughter traveling to the horse show circuit, there's no time for the beach in the summertime.  I used to live on the beach when I was single and also married for 4 years or so.  I was a beach bum.   I exercised and went to the beach.  I ran my fitness business and went to the beach.  It was my heaven.

I am now in the process of finding my heaven again; outside of my raising a family.  It's hard because my fingers and hands are so much more deformed and my health has declined quite a bit since my days of working and beachin it.

There has to be something this older woman can offer and do and enjoy.  I'm so ready to move to it.  I'd like to show my daughter the way instead of just lecturing her on the way. 

I hope I can figure it out.  I really know that this is what I need.  To find and live me as a person again.  Not as a wife; not as a mom, not as a family member.  Who am I besides these things?

I do not know how I went from 'dogs' to 'who am I' but this is how I roll, apparently.  Ha.

Who are U without your 'titles'; your image?

If you are not your job title, your family title, your sport - who are you?

No bull.  I believe there is more to us then our titles. 

I want to be a person connected to people, open-minded, helping others, loving life and exploring new things. 

Do U know of anyone on their deathbed that said 'I sure wish I worked more'?  I think not.  Ha.

Knowing What is Right

I know what is right for me.  I know what I want and need.  I know the best things for me to do.

AND

it's just having my body and spirit follow suit.

I can't always do what's right for me and what I need and want

AND

I don't know why.   Ha.

Are U doing what is right for U in this moment?  Is there one thing U can choose to do right now that is right for U?

Why is it that my head and my actions do not always align with one another?