An old issue came up for me yesterday presented by a person who did something that I didn't enjoy living around as a child and didn't know how to deal with it then and, apparently, still don't know how to deal with it very well now. A friend drank too much and was weaving as she was standing and she drove a vehicle and I just knew she had too much to drink and she wouldn't admit it.
I noticed that my feelings and heart took over and I knew it be better to use my head in the moment AND my head wouldn't work. It felt numb; turned off; shut down.
That's exactly how I dealt with this as a child because then I wasn't equipped with enough information. I am now well equipped to do better and I'd like very much to.
I felt confusion, rejection, abandonment, frightened, alone. I tried to come from my intellect and I basically had none. Wow, talk about auto-pilot. AND, I seemed to be stuck (no dial to turn to a different station, so to speak).
I felt confusion because I didn't want to overreact. Rejection because she was just doing her own thing and not really there for me. Abandoned because she really wasn't able to share and visit with me. Frightened because I didn't want her getting back in the car to hurt herself or another and fear for her health. Alone because she wasn't connecting with me like I would have liked her to.
I'm noticing rejection/abandoned/alone pretty much all fit into the same category. I also realize these are my issues from childhood.
Now, if I would have used my intellect, perhaps once she fell asleep (she stayed overnight) I would have done what I wanted to do instead of 'babysitting'. I would have known her drinking had nothing to do with me. I could have looked at it as lack of respect for herself and, therefore, me.
Yes, when we were younger and didn't have much responsibility, I drank with her. I did go through my own drinking phase. I was probably pretty 'good' at it. (not sure that was good, but it's true) When I had my beautiful daughter, I didn't want to anymore. Raising her became my priority. I can consider myself lucky or it's just what I knew to do. My friend has a child and I'm sadly afraid that the drinking is affecting him. He has stated on a few occassions that he's not really happy when his mom drinks. He doesn't like it. He doesn't mind it when it's a party and is safe and doesn't drive. But he hates it when it's a normal, regular day and he's depending on her and needs her to drive him or be coherent for him. He hates when it embarrasess him in front of his friends.
Sad. I realize it's out of my control. I can't make her stop. She has to want to do differently. I pray she wants to do differently soon. I would be so embarrassed and sad for her if she got a DUI, or was in an accident. I can tell she is loosing brain cells everytime she drinks. She has a dumb look on her face; she talks nonsense, her whole demeanor changes. Not a pretty sight.
For now, all I can do is tell her what I experience and pray something clicks within and she can love herself enough to do something to start a process of change.
From my viewpoint, I think I have to stay away from her when she drinks and know that I'm okay and not responsible and can't change her or help her until she asks for help.
Life is full of situations. I know we are all doing the best we can with what we know and I think she is not being her true self and, perhaps, even running from her true self. She is a great, fabulous person. A great big heart and has so much to offer the world and so much (I feel) that she can be proud about. She really 'rocks' in my eyes; except for the drinking. It's out of control. If a person has vodka in a car, drinking it; isn't this out of control; not to mention illegal in the United States.
If people are affected by someone else's actions on a somewhat continuous regular basis (and not in a good way); then does this mean it's a problem. I think so.
May you know how to do what is right for you in stressful situations. May you be brave enough to do it.
