Be U: Chill

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Wednesday, October 26, 2022

Chill

In the northern hemisphere, winter is coming our way and the chill in the air begins. Even here in tropical South Florida, USA, I can feel the chill even when it goes down to 60 deg. F.

I am so used to the summer weather - hot and humid - hovering between 90 and 100 deg. F that 60 can feel somewhat cool.

The weather forecasters call it a 'cold front'. Being originally from the north, real cold to me is 38 deg. F and below.

However, with scleroderma, as it is for me, cold scared me. My blood vessels constrict blood flow in the cold and numbness, pain and anguish can happen. It was sometimes helpful if I allowed myself to stay 'chill' and honor my needs of staying warm and relaxed as much as possible. I had a deep fear (a real fear) of cold.

Living here, the fear of the cold is gone (for the most part) because if it does get cold it is only for a few days and 'cold' is usually in the 60s. It is not the real bitter cold and it doesn't last for months here.

For this I am grateful and less of a 'scaredy cat'. It is close to Halloween..

I've always heard myself saying that 'we all have something we 'have' to live with and scleroderma is my something'.

I still believe we all have our own 'stuff' that doesn't feel easy. I also know that it is how I look at it, speak about it, feel about it and how I deal with it that creates my own experience of it. I can create constant suffering or I can live in acceptance with love and there are many possibilities in between these two ways [or lack thereof] of living in it and with it. Perhaps, even through it.

May you be aware of how You are looking at 'your something' (life), speaking about life, feeling about life and how You deal with life in each moment, in its fullness.

How are you experiencing life just now... Are you being true and loving or other...

Are you chill and open to relaxing and doing your best to love yourself through... Are you fired up, frustrated and angry at the unfairness of it... Are you both... Are you neither... Are you somewhere in between...

Being aware of your own ways of dealing, coping and living is the first step in dealing, coping and living the way that feels best to You.

May you be aware of You and your responses/reactions to all that passes by, through and in.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!