Be U: Comfort

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Saturday, May 11, 2019

Comfort

There is something inside of me that has been very uncomfortable within my body. An unsettling; a discomfort; an unease. It just pops up and it feels like a drum is being played in a not so poetic way. It is like energy is moving through my body and not knowing where to land.

I have known this feeling of energy not knowing where to land before; a lot of befores. I have never had an awkward drumbeat that I have no understanding of.

I scares me and persuades me to not trust in my self ability and strength. It pulls me into a place of dis-ease and discomfort.

I move my body as to move these feelings through me. There doesn't seem to be an easy fix to change this/these feelings.

I know great irritability and tightness.

I want to know expansion and ease. So, I invite expansion and ease. I breathe deep within myself. Peace is not sitting with me. I must search for it and create it.

I feel my feet on the ground; the chair supporting me. When I breathe out, I let my body become heavier. I ask for a answer that can teach me, grow me, allow me and transform this uncomfortable energy into a higher and more supportive energy.

I let go of my thoughts and just breathe and be. I open myself up to processing these feelings and, with or without understanding, let go of the discomfort and open to releasing and letting go. I offer myself to just be; nothing else matters in this moment than just being present to my present.

I see white fluffy clouds out of the window against a soft blue and still sky. I imagine myself floating through the clouds and being comforted and protected. I can allow my mind to go on any journey I wish it to go on. I choose opening my heart and sending, spreading, grabbing onto and breathing in and out love.

I find gratitude for the warmth of the sun. I feel grateful for the experiences that have made me me. I really like the high energy happy times. I am also grateful for the low energy serene times. I trust that everything I have experienced and everything I will experience is for my fulfillment in my life's journey.

This being human is quite the blessing and, perhaps, the curse. When we can still choose love through pain, hardship, dis-ease and discomfort, our amazing love is always present to support, claim, comfort and bemuse itself upon us. It is this loving ability that wins the peace.

May you let your own loving ability win the peace that is meant for you. Peace in the moment. Peace in the hurt. Peace in the excitement. Peace in the chaos. Peace in pieces.

May you believe in the peace of being you and let being you bring you peace.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!