Be U: What's Happening

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

What's Happening

I am trying new 'medicine' and (what feels to me) a lot of it. Different medicine that we do not know how it interacts with each other. We do not know the certain amounts of each to take; we do not know the consistency or a tried schedule to take it and/or when.

I love the freedom of following how I feel and administering said medicine as I deem necessary. I also know the feeling of being overwhelmed because I do not know how to do this and there are no guidelines that have been documented. Trust of self is a beautiful gift here that is showing itself for me to learn (again).

Legal marijuana and (now being more openly condemned) opiates have not had many open studies or documented results of the use of these things together.

I've been doing this on and off for a little over a week and I've been very uptight, confused, unsure, overwhelmed along with a bit of hopefulness. I can easily connect to these same feelings now. And, yet, something today told me to just trust my own inner knowing, my informed answers and my own 'guesstimates' as to accomplish my goal.

My goal is to feel the best that I can feel. To be as peaceful as I can be. To thrive to my greatest ability and capacity. To live the truest of me.

Can drugs deter my true inner knowing capability... Very possible, as it is a mind altering regimen that I am taking on.

Can drugs help me to feel the most comfortable I can within myself... Maybe.

Can drugs hurt me... Yes. Can drugs help me... Yes.

As I open up to be my own and true best friend, I let go of the mean and hurtful thoughts and things I tell myself in regards to hoping to have more ease because of narcotic drugs.

I am deeply working through my layers of what feels like my multiple onions. I am open to learn. I am open to receive good and easy answers. I am open to change with the help of knowing how. I am open to being free. I am open to living from my heart. I am open to living the truth of myself. I am open to show/live on the outside what I feel on the inside.

I am open to the best me possible.

May you be your own best friend. May you be open to being and living the best you possible.

May you let 'happy' happen even in situations that can be true and real reasons for unhappiness.

We are happy because we choose happy. We are happy because we work at looking at the brighter side of things. We are happy because that is who we are and who we want to be.

I choose happy.

I certainly do not know everything. I certainly don't have all the answers. I certainly am not liking some of my only options. I certainly can still connect to happy.

'Happy' is always within our reach. Sometimes, we need to use different meanings of the word happiness to think of ourselves as happy.

And, there is always something to be grateful for.

Live from gratitude. Connect to your happy. Be the You that You want to be.

May you meet yourself where you are at and allow contentment of believing in your own strength be 'in your pocket' and easily and readily available to you; as often and as much as possible.

We humans have tremendous strength.

May you be gentle and let love carry this strength and know that it is present for your use whenever you choose to breathe and tap in.

Tap into the magic of You.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!